Its been a while

Its been a while since I have written, there has been so much going on.  I don’t know where is safe where is not. I feel like my whole life my memories have all been erased. I have deleted everything from Facebook. Including having to delete life events due to the sensitivities of LIFE. On Pita and my 6 year anniversary our gift was the custody of his oldest so that we could assist her in her needs, give her a life she deserves. Unfortunate by doing so it has done nothing but make us the ‘bad guys’. When all this stuff got bad with her mother she wanted to be with us, and now all of a sudden, never-mind that she was sent 160 miles away, only coming in on the weekends that it was our weekend, we are the bad guys. She ‘doesn’t want to be with us, states she has been taken away from her mother and sister (whom she was not with when she got sent 160 miles away), hates us and thinks we are ruining her life.  SHe has been placed in a better schooling system, has a real roof over her head and not a travel trailer, Is not in a school district that totaled 99 kids from pre-K to Senior high school. She has so much potential, NOW sees her mother and her sister EVERY weekend and also every Wednesday. How is that worse than seeing them every 2 weeks if her complaint is we took her away.

Everyone says not to take it personal, not to make it about me.. which I am so not but that how they want to interpret it.  It’s a difficult place for anyone but even more so a woman who has no kids, is in a place in life that she could provide and make a family with her husband, could raise a child and has been given this challenge. A teenager who won’t respect her out of feeling like she will upset her mother, a child who was raised a certain way by her MOTHER, and sees that as the right way of living the right way of being and knowing its okay to run from problems rather than face them.
I have questioned inside if this is Gods way of  telling me I don’t deserve kids.. to make everyone right who can’t have faith in me and say I can’t handle kids, the doubt everyone has from the outside looking in, yeah they have won. But I give myself credit where credit is due. Considering what I have been handed, the challenges and such. I give myself alot of credit. I DON’T have to be here, I CHOOSE to be here, I don’t have to step up where others failed I CHOSE to. I guess just as my father did me.. I LOVE the child and know her potential know her love, regardless of what she is being manipulated to right now.

CPS has been called based on MISINTERPRETATIONS and false allegations because its been made that if she can prove unhappy the JUDGE, THE AUTHORITY, will change their mind.  As a child they do not see that a judge of the government evaluated the situation and saw the mother unfit and the situation of danger to the child.. The Cops called based on vengeance, whom saw everything clear and exactly as it was..

I can’t do anything that used to ‘occupy’ my mind and give me self gratification, I’m afraid to be me because it gets misinterpreted, no matter how much good I do they would rather find waht I didn’t do right as a wife or a step mother, or a friend or a daughter.  No matter what POSITIVE I say its flipped negative. I have become guarded, I have become hardened. My heart has nothing much left to give, when it gives its stabbed back down, its being played like its a trampoline.  And the only defense I know to do is to close it, otherwise Im running and not doing what I want, everyone says I don’t have to be here.. but just as my dad did for me when I was 8 here I am, trying to do and live out his legacy.. trying to keep the love I have for my husband and my step daughter, being the ROCK I know I am and taking everything I am to not turn a rock to a stone.

I love my husband love my family, love my life, but its all slowly dying inside of me. I can’t live, I can’t be me, I can’t breate, I can’t even look in a direction in fear its taken wrong. It makes even the bad he and I had, not seem so bad.. atleast I was me whether he liked it or not.

We have done so much right, we have Keylee in therapy, we make family time, events of helping with homework, having healthy choices of walking and exercising, Having fun time of  Games and activities, Geocaching outdoors, Mind inspiring time of reading and so on.

I just want to be the best I can be be all I can be to them and it seems no matter what in all of their eyes I am doing wrong or not to the approval. I can’t even drive and just drive and not be gripped at, I can’t disapline the kids where its needed or give corrective critism, because “im not the mom” they don’t have to listen.

For my own self I am telling myself I have not failed even if we lose everything we have fought for.. I have not lost, Pita and I have not lost.. we did everything we possibly could to show love and a family unit.  I have not failed at being a ‘mother’ I did not raise this kid to be where she was and if I was given a chance in life to be the mother I know I can be.. it WOULD in fact be different whith the right person and right parenting skills through the life of the child and the raising of the child. WE are BOTH learning from Trial and error and considering our past of arguments our handling well.

I credit Pita for all he is doing to be the FATHER he has been to these children even during the separation and divorce to his ex wife and carrying his responsibility in not just paying out $$ but in his visitations and the fathering he has done int he time he is given and even more so stating up and fighting as he is now, getting an attorney and doing whats right. Getting Keylee the help she needs and has needed. Doing everything the mother could not fulfill with doing so.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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