Wholly sh!t.. I’m what?

Yep, human. After earliers post a long day of work, coming home providing for my family, dinner hobbies, entertainment.. just life, a life I choose and ultimately love and make me who I am.. The last month or so being just numbing, good times, ups, Downs, trials and errors.. , being strong for everyone even if I had to turn cold to an extent (a damned if I do and damned if I don’t situation that is flipped to whoevers advantage).. fear of showing emotions. I had to In Order; to love and not be angry or hurt feeling or what have you. I lay in bed and without notice tears fall.. without blinking without nothing just bam! So I guess I still have some human in me.. I’m not stone, I know iT doesn’t make me weak but it does tell me maybe I need some rock to. I’m so busy with trying to make it easier and perfect t as can be for everyone but when my one split second of thinking is my turn.. grumbles, sighs and understandably .. Stressed, Pressured, our plates full and tired!  Maybe thats my problem too, but everyone seems to think they are alone.  Not so much Im Just TRYING to keep mine in.   I hate to talk personal life in bed before going to sleep but its the only “chance I have to brace” without Interupting someones story of their day, helping with their needs. Why is it so hard to ask for just 5 minutes.. where someone just takes me and says, we will get through this, it will be okay, a hug, some sort of sign.. without sarcasm, and with sincerety.  Without the disrespect full look in thier eyes that they had to do so, or the dissatisfaction of whatever has be be let out.  I too need the love, the support, and just that ease of pressure. Work is stressful and about to get 30 times worse with a triple work load being added starting tomorrow, Keylee has her second therapy appointment.

I dont want or need everyone’s attention.. but where’s just a little something for me to release. I dont want to burden or put more weight on anyone than they already have. That goes for family, friends, my husband, so i sit and right back to me and my blog. Do I want everyone to freeze for me? No do I want them to feel the way I do? No and that’s why I do what I do.. its who I AM. I listen.   I hate to release it in tears as it makes me feel weak, defeated,  I am none of those. And then Im told I have issues and I can’t handle situations?  Well don’t we all have our moments?  Considering I am handling pretty well, its not up to me to make people see that I know I am  I’m dependent, trustworthy, loving and caring. I WANT TO HEAR About my husband, my step daughter, my family and friends days! I am strong when people need me, I’m there always. I dont want this water down my cheek, I’ve come this far by shutting that all off and I did not give it permission to turn on. Sigh. I was raised and taught me crying is okay, laughing is okay, even anger is okay. But to those around me anywhere in life it’s simply not okay.. to me right now its not okay!

My valve feels cracked inside and out. The events have us all on edge all pushing to do our best yet pushing some away, the ones we love the most we lashout at.. I get that.  No one wants to give the praise only the negative, thats out of my control, I know what I’ve done, I know Im there for others.  But in the end yes It leaves its mark at the unseen.  I believe in reward and concequenses of actions.  I find myself even though my husband says he doesn’t like it, To take a minute in tough times to say he is doing a good job and Im proud of him.  When the kids do something good I give them reward and praise in words.  Actions go noticed, and so do words.  But we still work To get through as a team as a unit.

Life is sensitive, time is sensitive. Love is sensitive. Kids are sensitive even all adults sensitive, yes ALL.

I will allow the valves to leak while everyone sleeps but PLEASE shut off in the morning when everyone wakes. In the end, all we all we really have, no matter what we give to others, are they all they really have or believe to have. Is it all an unforseen effort, should we call scooby doo, is this all really a mystery?  Why couldn’t life, being human and being in love, relationships, friends and family all just come with a manual?

Just wants to scream… “Anyone got the duct tape?”

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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