After an emergency doctors appointment yesterday, some things started making sense although we do not know why I am here other than a down cycle. I explained the fighting and arguments with people to push them away, the fact that I feel helples and hopeless and will withdraw myself from life and situations, He stated it was normal but told me to keep a good support group, to educate people in the future where I failed in the past. Even in the past week I have failed so many, those alive and those no longer with us. I was selfish with my actions and words, but I just don’t want to be here right now, not in this state, I don’t want anyone seeing me this way, I want people knowing me for who I am. I can’t focus on work, I can’t sleep yet all I want to so is sleep, It even happened on vacation at moms I just kept sleeping but the major warning signs were not yet present.. It was the beginning or what is worsening. I put on a front that IM okay, I try to laugh and joke, but at the same time.. I just can’t find it in me. I can’t enjoy anything that keeps me going and lively, I can’t pick myself up. I cry uncontrollably and tremor the last couple days which made me really go seek advice. I am now refered to a specialist which I fear will hospitalize me as I admitted to the things I did last week. But we all know my stubborn ness.. Im to stubborn to die. But I don’t want anyone around, not right now, but those who love and care are proving they are not going anywhere, I don’t want them to feel they have to stay because Im ill, I would rather do it alone if I have to. I dont’ want people to hurt seeing me this way.. and I know it does for those who love me. So I withdrawl and isolate.
SO yesterday as I left I sat in the parking lot crying, writing this up.
DEAR ME… Lets start Processing.. It explains alot over the years and lately.. Frst we have to cope.. then we have to call referral for our own safety, right?. .. been really depressed and no reason.. the other day I cut and took extra pills told people I dont want to be here, not as in not in the world as much as not in this state.. Im not me and everytime it hits.. its worse…. feeling getting worse which first ive told is my Dr, Im trying to put on a im fine act… I cant
handle the feeling.. feel helpless and hopeless.. so went to dr.. he said Im having a manic cycle.. that hes seen me situational.. but the fact that everythings stable now meds working he beleves its not major depressive disorder but severe manic depression.. he has asked before that I see a specialist or hosptal and I refuse.. bad experiances with them but now wants me to go even if just once for a second opinion and he will treat my meds.. Im already on one antidepressant and 3 anxiety pills.. now adding another, lamotrigine, simlar to lithium for a mood stabilizer and hopefully help with the manic cycle. (I can laugh and say the best side effect is weight loss).. He did have me do a questionaire that showed not to be bipolar, leading to believe its severe manic depression… I cant stop crying. I wish noone had to see this.. Ive been trying to push everyone away, fighting people for no reason than to try and make them run away.. explains alot really.. Im scared of people seeing me thia way.. which dr said is because of manic cycle.. its not me, its the disorder.. I hate feeling this way.. I cant be strong right now.. I feel so broken…. just dont like people knowing about it like everyone knowing me for my social, loving, funny self, the real me, the devoted, stable, strong person.. but as a rangers friend Ive become good friends with.. even the strongest get week.. to hide is natural and theres him and others he sees that are going to help me get over this