Help failed me.. I failed me.. beating myself up.

A failed attempt to get better that slipped me further back. I left AMA last night.. I let go of my ego and pride the littl e I had left and took myself as I got worse… I went in for an assesment per my Doctor, for a second opinion on my diagnosis.  Once in they decided to admit me.  I was very displeases and feel going here actually made me worse instead of better. Nerves had me scratching at my upper arm and I was slipping further feeling worse, Meds that my body knows works were taken away completely not weaned off that Ive been on for almost a year.. with out any discussion to me or even listened to.
I went for help at my own will as I didnt want to be here, felt hopeless, helpless and thoughts of hurting mysels. But no actions planned. No no one else suffed seeing me as in the past. I tried to get myself help before it was to late. Now Im back home panic attacks that have been controlled over 4 months wont stop.. mssed 3 doses of meds. Now I have no desire for anything and sitting here alone.. just slept when got home.. my bodys defense to get through it I guess. It is definate I am not bipolar atleast but what am I besides wht I feel as a failure to everyone ever associated with me, those im hurting and those Ive hurt.  I wasnt gonna blog and this may be my last.. I just needed to vet fhis out to myself. I am being pretty hard on myself but as my mom said those who fail are rhose who didnt try and I tried. Hopes that Monday morning my doctor can get me in the right place. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore and dont sant to be here, be this person. I WANT ME BACK. I DONT WANT TO KILL MYSELF I WANT TO KILL WHAT i am not and be right again.. Im so tired of this, not being me Ive bounced out of it in a couple days now its been a couple weeks.. Im having bad selfish thoughts.. but controlling them best I can Im tired mentally.. I feel trapped, I feel alone in the battle.. I have great supporters cheering me on.. I want my panic attacks that were gone away.. Im tired of crying.. I finallyet my pride and ego go and tried for help.. with a very bad outcome.  im isolating.. even in hospital wouldnt eat the 3 meals I was there for.. stayed in my room the 2 days. And I apologize to all past and present. Friends of the first time this happened 17 years ago and now, family criends exboyfriends. I NOW UNSDERSTAND. I picked fighta to push people away when I was in bad shape. No one gets it noe one ever will.. dont expect it.. heck it has taken my mom 17 to partially understan… I DONT WANT ANYONE TO FEEL WORRY OR SORROW OR GUILT. I need help and I tried. I NEED the chemicals balanced… I have given up my fight even as I struggle to try or act.. I cant do this alone.. after all that happened out at this place no one blames me for leaving and glad Im out.. but hope I can get a new place. Now for all those fhat said it was for attention.. some of you have been there and know know.. and I knew it was time before it was too late this time after the od and cut last week.

SO I have written a complaint to the texas health medical board..
To start with: 

1) During assesment doctor spent maybe 5 minutes with me not even discussing a plan.  I explained to him the the current meds I am on I must stay on and even my other doctor agreed but that we needed something else added and to be sure he had the correct diagnosis to make sure he was adding the correct stuff.  

2) I explained that the Vibryd, Buspar and Atarax were working and my doctor wanted me to stay on those. The doctor did not discuss any medications to me as I explained I have been on many in the past.  He took it upon himself to take the buspar away which I was taking 2 times a day, adding welbutrin which once with the RN and she gave me papers I explained to Her I CAN NOT take that I have in the past with bad side effects, including making me suicidal and self mutilation, her reply was well this is what the doctor ordered, he also prescribed am bien that causes nightmarez.  The next morning they still tried to give it to me Through being there 24 hours, I finally asked to go home as they were making matter worse and not better to help me. 

3) I had to have the Vibryd brough up and was told that it would be sent to pharmacy immediatly to be available in the morning.  I went to ask for it finally as it was not given to me and they said “oh its still sitting here and not sent off we can not give it to you, still after requesting the buspar be added back as it is for major anxiety, and I was having severe attacks they would give me an Ativan that I am prescribed PRN.  I did not get my Vibryd until noon.  4) When asked the first evening that the doctor be paged, I was told he would and He would be there first thing in the morning, He then told me he would give me 2 (25 mg Atarax) and one Ativan,  I don’t believe this is even recommended at 50 MG of atarax at once I am to take it 4 times a day at one pill.  I took a complete list of all medications, dosage and when to take during assesment yet was still asked by everyone once the list was given what I take, No one paid any attention to anything even done in the assesment.  It was not until I signed a 4 hour letter that he showed up a little after 1.  Even first thing in the morning I asked he be called and it was urgent the Nurse told me, they don’t make the doctors schedule but he would be there today. While in I did call my prescribing doctor, he put me to come back to him, Monday and didnt understand why my meds were just stopped as these are meds you can’t just stop taking.

 5) Upon finally seeing the doctor he did say that he just wanted a 24 hour assesment and had what he needed from his evaluation and the staff feedback but that I was still leaving AMA with no explaination why I should stay. He again (obviously not listening) told me to ask my prescribing doctor about being put on wellbutrin.  It was clear he did not listen nor understand, or even ask what my side efects were in the past.

 6) Discharge papers tell me to discontinue all meds that my prescribing doctor and I agreed were working but we needed something else to add, he wanted me to just go get a second opinion of Diagnosis.  I was never even told by the hospital what my diagnosis was, NONE of my treatment plan or changes were explained, when asking Nurse I got “thats just what the doctor put down”  When I asked the doctor, he seemed to just be guessing and not listening. 

 7) The visit here actually made me fall further, my anxiety that was under control has not stopped, I went a full 2 scheduled doses with out the meds that were working, this was explained to 3 nurses and the doctor himself.  My body knows what was working.  I stared scratching in anxiety of skin crawling.  the next morning even the nurse said I do understand you want to leave and you want your medications, there is nothing I can do about this.

 8) I went here for help as I felt hopeless, didnt’ want to be here but no plan of action and would never act on it, I went to get a second opinion on my diagnoises for my doctor.  I did not go’ to have my medication regimine completely changed and messing up my chemicals even more.  I do believe I needed to be there or I would not have gone but would not stay in a place where my doctor would not hear my concerns.  This doctor did not listen to anything I said, I even asked him or the nurses to call my prescribing doctor if they did nto believe me I ended up calling myself telling him they were making me worse and he made me an appointment with him first thing monday morning as I was admitted andcould not see him friday. I am higly tempted to get an attorney against this.  This is a place that is supposed to help in need and in this case I felt worse off and less unsafe here, the nerves had me starting to scratch at my skin, I stayed in my room the whole time very upset.  This makes it hard for a patient who needs help to trust any other hospital. 

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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