YoU dont know how it feels…

Im always the first to be hard on myself.. not through words of hate but just through thoughts of failing… I have decided to call this my illness of depression.. my alter ego.
Do you know how it feels to not want to get out of bed.. to force yourself to get up.. shower.. clean.. thats how Ive felt but for everyone else I have to do so..today was force to go see grandma although the cisit wasnt like it normally was.. I sat.. didnt make much conversation.. then after leaving there tried a few geocaches.. I used to get all excited. Parked the truck and walked .15 miles to one.. got back to truck walked .17 miles to the next. Another walked about 434 feet… But the smiles I got when I was able to enjoy werent there just thought to myself yeah found it..even found a travel bug and wasnt special like it normally was. I WANT TO ENJOY THINGS.. not have to force myself to see family because its good for ke and try to stay out of the house but the whole time I told myself I want to go home.. Im trying to fight this battle.. but Im losing.. people see a fight. . Its an act to not burt them.. when alone I just sit in a daze holding back tears. Friends inviting me out, texting, trying disctrations.. I hardly even get into base ball that I love.. geocaching that I love.. being around friends, family, work.. none of it I just want to stay withdrawn secluded to my room.. go to sleep and wake up when ita over. I STILL fear myself but thankful no actions to follow. I hate this.. I love myself but this isnt me..
Then I add fecent stress to the mix.. I really tried to get myself help on my own.. alone.. and it made me sink.. I guess I picked the wfong place. Even my mom and grandma agree and glad Im out. You cant just quit a peraons meds cold turkey. Not what Im on. I try to force myself to try to fight but nstead I act to not ecfect others no one knows what’s going on Inside. Really I dont get it either. Fhis is the worst ive been unable to bounce back.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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