Tired of time

Support is great.. and Im not being sarcastic when I say this.
I was asked “what do you want to do to get you out of the house?”
My reply was simply “nothing!”  So hit up 2 geocaching trails.. a total of 7 miles walking, bushwhacking and sunburning. Dropped off a tb I found last weekend and found another that dropped off 13 finds and 5 dnfs that werent found a few days ago but I wanted to find them.. never did.. I tried to enjoy it.. Im now up to 280 finds..
the walking and nature does me good but the excitement just isnt there.. I finally stopped because I was just ready to come home.. I tried my best, forced myself.. but gave in.. I did what I could.. best thing was exercise, sun, geocaching and all free!
Now home trying to get the negative thoughts out replace them with good things, memories, life, job.. etc. Then the thought of the past month and fact that I am now so isolated, withdrawn, and dont want people around, Ive built walls not to keep people out but to keep me in. Last I was this bad was situational when dad passed.. any other times a week tops.. im frusterated.. I cant stop the random bad thoughts I have.. I now refuse to get help at a hospital after last visit. Doctors are working to get the chemicals right but “it takes time” I dont have time.. its running short. For the first tme Im taking care of myself on my time, and all I feel s defeated. I wish it was something I could fix on my own but had to face help from specialists. I trying so hard to push myself forward while Im falling backwards.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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