Dont even know why Im typing this I guess because of last nights episode. I know many will wish I didn’t talk about the past but I have realized stuff over the past month with what I am going through the worst episode ever since I was 15. I am at peace now with leaving my ex, knowing what I know now.. I know he couldn’t handle the small episodes, saying it was crap, for attention and so on, much less what Im going through now. I can only imagine how he would look at me as unstable, crazy in the head, etc. which he already did and didn’t want to face it wasn’t me it was a illness thats worse than we even thought. I guess Im writing to help get all the negative things not said out of any support or love out of my head to help me cope better with an illness and not just some crazy unstable person. I used to believe him as well he was supposed to be my support and partner and really thought I was just what he says I was and did not cope with the fact that its a disease, an illness, not me at all. I have to come to terms with that and love the real me and not this which right now I don’t love myself to much and feel like Im failing, falling, and just not able to pull up and be the strong person I am. I don’t want to be this way, I don’t want to be a cutter when I do, I don’t want to have the thoughts IM having.
I am actually a very stable, head strong, independent person, who cares and loves herself and others when Im not dealing with this. I am sitting at work waiting to call my doctor as Im not getting better and my bad thoughts of dying continue.. just thoughts no actions. Hell, last night I even called it crap, just as it always was called in the past. emotional crap as I sat and just cried with anxiety too. I couldn’t even eat. I FINALLY took a klonopin and a ativan just to pass me out.. every time I go to my pills thoughts come.. but I dont act on them like I did 2 weeks ago. I stay withdrawn.. no one deserves to see this. I feel like HAVE to get through it alone and with help from professionals. I cant repeat enough how much I want to be better and know its not me its an illness.. 2 actually from my psych unit eval. and my stay. I feel so defeated and sorry to those who want to help and cant. This is why I dont want anyone seeing me this way.. its unfair and hurts them. No one understands what Im going through. I feel trapped in my own body and it won’t let the real me out.