Rollercoaster Ride…

Id rather be at Six Flags on Rollercoasters than emotionally..
Another new freaking medication, cancelling the new one which I think may be contributing to my suicidal thoughts.. Thats why its hard for me to take them and we have found one that he has kept me on that works against that, but something else HAS to be added with my condition. My doctor had a long talk with me this morning on the phone to calm me down some, to reassure me, I explained my bad thoughts to him last night as well, the wanting to die but knowing I cant and MUST GO ON, I MUST FIGHT… but now the new one im starting is going to cause more weight gain which the others have already done, I do not handle weight gain well, everyone at work thinks I look better, I think its the number I look at that I can’t handle.
I want off this lab rat rollercoaster.  No one should have to go through this with me or even see it with the bad days and the worse days.  I just wish in a sense that no one had to deal with this or see this. its not me at all, and I don’t want people seeing me AS this.   But, I am thankful for those who are truely there and not pretending or flip floping and just being when you want, and who are trying to cope with me and keep me alive both inside and out. I learned in the past who is really here and who is not, who should have been isn’t always who is.   You guys have been great even when we just talk baseball.  But, I want to crawl in a hole for a while, hide behind these walls and just hope and pray no one sees me.. and that when its all fixed, they will all still be here with out judgement of what I really am not and seeing it as an illness. When I was a teen and this hit, there was judgement afterwards I fear that and yes fear abandonment of my support group, So I run, I hide, I push people away, not to protect me from being hurt but protecting them first and then myself.  I have been abandoned and portrayed as many things because of this, over the years.. there was no support or even an attempt for anyone to understand. I have lost loved ones, I have lost friends, I have lost alot of things because of this.  Ive gone careless on life before when it didn’t even last this long, lost all self control.. money, drinking, and material things.   I know and understand its not easy to understand.  I can’t even explain it to make understanding.
I am finally letting go of the fear of abandonment and getting the answers and trying for the help I need for myself.. But being who I am and after some past things I feel selfish doing so.. all the way down to I havent’ even gotten my cat shots.. thats todays life, before it was a partner and his kids if they were not cared for and I did not put myself first I felt selfish.
Theres alot going on.. I fear losing love for myself as I am stuck in this illness right now. I feel trapped and like I can’t get out. I can’t even say I have good days and bad days. As I told my doctor all I can say is I have bad days and WORSE DAYS.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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