7/25/13 – daily thoughts

Just thoughts from today:

~ Normally on a day like yesterday I would have been excited all day, going to look at a truck to get and treating myself to two tatoos. I was just there.  DEPRESSED. DOWN. Just a body. I THINK in a psychological way.. I got the tattoos for a cause a good reason, at the same time, to feel human, feel pain. EVEN when I found out I got the truck…. NADDA.~

~ Today, I would have been showing off my truck.. my tatoos and excited. I FORGOT to take my meds. I’ve not felt good told no one I got a truck really and 2 people saw my tatoos. I CAN’T really take my jacket off because of my cuts.  I found myself in the smoking area with my leg shaking, lately I would only smoke in my truck.. today I had to go there to not smoke in the new truck.   Normally.. Im the life of the ‘party’ making everyone laugh.~

~ I GOT off work came home and did what I fight every day.. laying down and wanting to sleep hoping I’d wake up..’normal’ again. So I forced myself up and made. Bacon wrapped Jalapenos. Cooking has always been a ‘purpose’ Even when grandma was her if I wasnt acting, I was quiet. I COME home drink a beer or 4 a night. I’ve told my doctors Im better but yesterday and today prove otherwise.~

~ I HAVE secluded talking to friends, coworkers (some noticing) I feel alone with people, at work, with my cat. Since this started Ive been abandoned and left behind by a couple. ONLINE social media is an easy act. Face to face is infectious. ~

~ I didnt choose to be this way, as the song says ‘I was born this way’.  I have been judged by the way I am. Disliked, left alone whenn I needed most.  IT AFFECTS me more each time, it happened when I was 15, its happed in past 5 years and now with more support I fear it happeninflg and withdrawl, seclude, push away. SO IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.~

~ This is me, my illness, my problem. Now I act. Its for my time alone to let out my tears, think over my. Fears and try to fight every day to stay alive.~

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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