MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER has been a diagnosed thing for me for a long time but I would get on meds.. feel better and get off them. NOW its at its worst point requiring even more meds, trials and errors. Something works for a while then stops. There is no situation, Its my chemicals. Learning its not me and its an illness was the hardest part and I was reminded this again yesterday as I wrote my crisis plan about harming myself. That, also an illness but is a little more controllable, Sometimes I know its coming sometimes its a blackout and I don’t.
So when did I really get so ill? Trying to think back its been a little over a year now. My panic and anxiety attacks worsened. And I was back on meds. BUT, There was no time for this illness, I had to get over it and I couodnt oet the kids see me that way they wouldnt understand.. Danas sick. I had step children in my life who didnt understand, who needed me.. and it had to be handled on my time which I had none. It was seen as unstable, crazy, weak, and I needed to get it together.
So I let it progress, hiding behind it best I could and letting it get way out of control. Leading me to now. Now I try to do it on my own, putting me out of even going to work. I don’t want people to see this. I explained this yesterday as well. I WAS told to remind myself its an illness, It doesnt mean Im weak. I cant control it and the more I mask it the more its leading to my frustrations, self harm, beating myself up, etc. Told I HAVE TO LET PEOPLE IN AND LET PEOPLE BE MY STRENGTH RIGHT NOW.
Now its become life or death. I continue to push people away, those who choose they cant handle it I don’t try explaining tob anymore. I just beat myself up more that righ now Im toxic and these people for good reason dont need or want me around. I isolate even in treatment around people the same. I don’t want anyone to judge and at the same time dont want them to relate or become close.