Overloaded and alone

This therapist vot more out of me in an bour than 5 weeks of group.Do you remember me telling you the reaccurring dream I had where dad was with me staring down at me on an operating table and was half way between there and heaven.  I explained that to her.. she said that was the precursor to my suicide attempt. To be with dad. That wa as a big wow but made sense

Said I never grieved.. talked a lot of the emotional and mental abuse that prevented it and how I was suppsed to Just carry n with daily life.. get over it hes dead.. so that’s one thing.. but says I have fallen so deep to depression thats where dysthymic comes in.. I will have good days but still have a low. I Have buries very deep. I’m hopeing an act of fod can save me.

Told her I have a wall up she said she encourages it for now..

I I told her I’m trying so hard to do right and get the help I need but feel helpless right now. This hour was the hardest thing. She got a list of things out of me. 

So I’m a big ball of mess.. right now just crying.. took anxiety pill.. I just want me back to feel better and not be this shell.. and not having my tough girl exterior and control of that is painsaking.. then first day back to work today.. I’m mentally drained. I Ended up doing some self harm burning my arm to flesh not even blisters with a lighter… after just everyday BS. Every night arguing. Hopefully now after the message relayed from the therapist he sees.. but chalk up another bad wound for me. 😦

I don’t know about if I’m going to make it down this road. Shes surfacing stuff I buried.

I can’t stop crying and I honestly don’t know if I can get through this. IM GOING OFF THE GRID A WHILE. THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO TRUELY SUPPORT AND LOVE ME NO MATTER MY MESS. Today has made me feel physically ill.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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