Ugh- permanently embedded

I used to forgive to easily .. now it takes a while and just when I do.. well heres why I dont… This was the first thing to start my day yesterday. The night before was already bad with being told we might as well cut our losses from CJ. I ENDED up responding to this in defense of myself as it had completely beat me down because its packed of lies.. to later how he loves me and just meet him and see he’s not this man. I couldn’t even leave bed after work. Now I’m sitting waiting to see the therapist.
This man wants me to trust him.. believe in his love but doeant grasp words hurt. Who says these things then asks for trust and to MEND things and atleast be friends? Even reading his later emails that were opposite of this.. this will never leave my mind. I KNOW my love and care as true and in the end that’s what matters but you don’t tel ‘ll someone you want to mend and lash ojt like this.. no I’m not perfect I’ve said things but never to this extent.

Emails:

I’ve tried my best to not give up on you and try to help. But, feeling hopeless isn’t something I can continue to live with. Keylee is also suffering. She is now convinced she is going back to her mothers. I wish you could have seen the bigger picture and put our family back together. I’ve lost everything since you left. I didn’t want to make this about me, but it was about YOU and ME and the girls. You leaving was the worst thing that could have ever happened and the worst time. I can’t keep trying to put things right and its obvious you don’t want it, either. Not for the girls, for me or for yourself. I wish you the best, Dana Ann Gidner. I forgive you for everything over the years we’ve known each other and will always cherish the memories we’ve created. You will always be my first true love. Soul mates obviously were never meant to be. I hope you find your happinesses. You no longer have my audience on your social media sites. You have finally have your peace with me. I’ve done. Goodbye, my love. I will forever love you, but it’s finally time to say my final words, so I may have my closure. I do forgive you and CJ for seducing you away from me and for killing me. But, what has killed me will only make me stronger. I’m at the bottom, but I will bring myself back up. Goodbye You know what? I forgive you. I hope everything works out for you and CJ. I know you love him much more than you ever did me and the girls. You’ve proven that. You fought? No you didn’t. I’ve read everything and seen the reality of what happens day by day, not just the words you’ve hidden behind. You replaced EVERYTHING we were with CJ.. the Rangers? Geocaching? Roadtrips? Winstar? Living together? Sex? Everything. You did your best to quickly erase us, cause you never did love me. Blame you? No, I don’t. I’d never blame you for anything. I blame myself for trying to help you, trying to be the man you wanted me to be, trying to have a family with you, trying to make right by the wrongs I did. You can’t even do that. You couldn’t even just meet me in person to try talking. You have continued to go to CJ for all your emotional needs, instead of with me who I thought you REALLY loved. The man that was supposed to be your “LOML”, your soul mate. But, that is obviously not the case. You tried to get yourself better for US? For the girls? That is why you left?? Give me a break. That is such a lie. You ran to CJ. You’ve been with him. Replaced everything you had with us with him. And, you expect me to just stand by yourside?? Listen to your “suffering” without being able to help, when in reality you have been living your life with him replacing me and the girls??? Whatever. You never cared for us or what we thought of YOU. We tried to be your family. FAMILY doesn’t do what YOU’VE DONE over this past year. I’m not even going to blame you. Your responsible for your own actions, just as I am mine. I tried to make right many times over this past year. In just a few days it will be my birthday. Exactly ONE YEAR. Do you even care??? No. You only care about CJ and your illness, your suffering, your cutting, your glorified emotional romantic blogs and poems to reflect your scared feelings. You can’t WOMAN UP and take back what YOU ran away from… WHATEVER, Dana. I can’t take trying to be here for you… You have NO IDEA what pain you’ve put me through, being helpless to help you. To love you. To put all of this behind us, so we can start on the right track. To start all over like we were supposed to that night at BoomerJacks. You did learn one thing in thearpy, your right.. YOU CHOSE TO LOSE EVERYTHING. YOU CHOOSE TO “SUFFER” IN WORDS, BUT CHOOSE TO LIVE WITH CJ, THE WAY YOU DO AND BY NOT CARING FOR THE ONES THAT TRUELY LOVED YOU.Sent to:cros33sdblock usermark as spamReplyReply AllDelete09

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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