Therapy has me shaking and crying can’t even leave the parking lot. We talked about people in my life and how I have no strong support group.. that everyone’s keeping me down without even realizing they are being selfishness, insecurities, and not supportive or understanding and trying to get me while they know Im down. Explained my aunt was good support but since her finding of a leision on her brain I dont want to put my problems on her or stress on grandma or mom.. And that I needed a break from everyone to really think things out as when I get over this its all me and a new start of new life that god gave me. Said I’m still getting over the past 7 years, the heartache even when it was my choice but was a tough decision to make regardless because of the love, talked about someone current events that have happened. Talked about why I feel bad and like I have to justify and explain my own thoughts and feeling all the time. I told her my dad was it the strongest support I had…. talked about how selfless I am.. how I don’t want to hurt anyone.. and talked about my self harm.. that has happened severely twice.. she saw them.. she says I disassociate from myself and becauae I’m numb I don’t know I’m doing it until there’s blood and It brings me back.. and alot of it is pent up anger because I dont get angry and when I do its at myself… so gotta research that. She had to make sure I felt safe from myself and said she’s available all day and tomorrow if needed she will see me. Said its going to take me a while to come out of this..
Off to cemetary, I need my dad.. even wish I had James he was like a dad to me and the same as my dad . I CANT DO THIS ALONE! I TRY AND TRY AND I’m failing bad.