The day starts with a man who says he loves me telling me and is here for me saying hes going invisible today, because its best and doesn’t want to ruin my good special day.. today was not special it hurts like hell. I am doing all I can to not harm myself to be with my dad and celebrate with him, ut I also know there are few it would hurt that are living if I did.
A little more on therapy yesterday as that all still has me weighed down.. I explained why I read my exs stuff, which my current got pissed at me about after he went through my phone while I slept, I do it because I do care if something were to happen to him, I want to know the kids are okay and that his step father is well. She said being 7 years and kids involved its almost like a marriage where we had our own children and understood my reasoning. But says that him and my current are doing what they can to keep me down as they know Im low enough. Alone enough..
Today, I want to be with my dad and its a scary feeling. Im alone through this all… and thats scary as well. I have emailed my therapist 3 times already today, have already had 4 anxiety pills and have broke down crying twice. Today I don’t want to be alive celebrating dads birthday, today I want to be with dad celebrating his birthday, and I can’t that thought scares me. So after work I went to the cemetary and then driving.. crying.. my heart hurts, my chest hurts so bad it feels like a knife straight to my back. I made it home safe but worry about being safe at home.. from myself. I am so scared its pitiful.. I have so many fears its keeping me down. Yesterday and today have been hard. I told CJ exactly what the therapist which is hard because I walk on broken glass with him. He said and he didn’t like it, but who would.. but she is here to explain peoples characteristics.. where I want to trust and believe in everyone I’m blinded by the effects they have on me.. and because I don’t want to hurt anyone in the end I am hurting more.
I just pray each day for one good day to come at me.. depressed people are supposed to have good and bad and even my therapist agreed.. I’m stuck in bad and its going to take a lot to get me there. Sitting on my patio away from everything as I sit here alone.. still crying.. still having anxiety and still a scared woman. It just doesn’t seem fair.. when they say lifes not fair I get it now.. how could everything I was die that night but I’m still here to suffer so bad.. I can’t even explain what all I’m going through
After texting with my therapist that I have thoughts of wanting to be with dad she replied:
The “first holidays, bdays, anniversary, etc. are the worst. Ur dad already told u to “go back”. He’d be pissed as hell if u didnt listen to him. Go home. The weather is going to get bad!