This and therapy are my only real outlets and this is even questionable but I don’t like putting it on social media and getting the sympathy.. I’m tired.. no, not go to sleep tired.. mentally tied, emotionally tired of the pain inside and out.. my heart, my wounds hurt.. my battle scars I see everyday hurts.. looking back over years as I progressed hurts.. the time untreated.. the time now being treated.. hurts.. the people I’ve let go of, try to push away and the isolation.. hurts!!! Rekembering the days I was lively, a social butterfly.. hell its what I was used for when doing band work.. everyone loved my friendliness.. who I was and now I hide from them so they dont see me… the masks I wear 8-10 hours in a workdah trying not to break.. faking a ‘smile’ behind a keyboard.. it all hurts and its all killing me inside.. I don’t want to live like this forever and I continue to pull away from those who care.. if they don’t let me I work to push them away. I deserve to jhst be alone not infecting anyone. Saddening them with my disaccosiative self harm.. I told my mom this morning.. it devestated her it broke mg heart to even tell her but she wanted to know my current state… I can’t die… I have to live and right now its a crjel punishment.. doctors don’t know where to start.. therapy is dealing with things I know I have to but don’t want to.. the days upon days of crying.. anxiety attacks.. making me physically ill.. I’m tired.. I wish I could be healed, saved, rescued.. I pray to god.. he’s not listening.