Last night I was very thankful for concerned friends not only was it a tough therapy session, but finding out I may be hospitalized and opting to increase therapy which I cant afford I had another episode My phone decided to break so they were even more worried as they knew it was a bad day, I had a tough decision to make while my mind is irrational but forced to give an answer. I cried all day, I couldn’t’ face work, today I couldn’t’ either and am working from home or was until I got called in. This is the worst episode I have had, I came back to a knock on the door, my friends checking on me as blood dripped.. They went and got me food and sat with me until They knew I was safe. Although they both knew I am not allowed to have male friends over at least it was two of them and it was purely out of concern. they sat and watched me cry, watched me get angry, and all emotions are only to myself.. no one else even in what others have done to me, I blame me. I can’t walk today because the damage is so bad. Then I hear “you need help” as if I am not going through hell while I am getting it. I’m tired. I’m a mess. I hate myself for something out of my control and IM destroying my body.. who’s going to ever love a scared up person. Im scared and I told that to my therapist.. the dream analysis, was a big epiphany and I don’t know what to do. even my therapist said right now I can’t handle another death of anything in life, people relationships, ect. In 3 years Ive lost my dad, my LOML, my two step daughters a father in law, and now on the verge of losing my best friend and a person I care about. I can’t take it anymore. I’m hurting .. I wear my mask, but at home and hell even now at work I cry hysterically I can’t do it anymore. I can’t fight.. Im not the fighter I was, and that kills me, I am letting down my dad.. he raised me better. I was told that it was not believed that I was disassociating, same thing I heard in the past as well as “I need help” I’m getting help.. I’m trying, I’m on meds… My two friends who have been friends for years who stopped by even said they could tell it was a disassociation because its not clean cuts.. its like I sit and just scrape the sharp object against my skin as I am out of it… I used to be told it was for attention. I’m learning more about this part of my disorder through therapy and the HELP I AM GETTING. Now knowing the dream from the other night,and what it meant I also weight that on my mind from my previous dreams and how she has been right. So whats dieing that the dream was, a relationship, a person, myself, And then she even said right now I can not handle ANY of it, mentally or emotionally .. but if its any of that i have to prepare so I can dealk with it.