Todays playlist as I sit alone letting my mind go.. Feeling the music
brent burns – I laughed until I cried
north Twin- Hope it goes away
Jason bolden- bottle by my bed
Jason Aldean- the truth
brad Paisly- tin on a string
Garth brooks- more than a memory
Jason cassidy- bourbon tears and pain
Tim mcgraw- whiskey and you
jB band and moonshine- Black and white
Miranda Lambert- Over you
The Fray – How to save a life
It happened again yesterday. Everyday beating myself up more punishing more. Ashamed more, embarrassed more. No one knows how bad I’m going through this right now.. i want to fight but at the same time I’m out of fight and don’t want to do this anymore. Days of anger that attempt didn’t go through. I’m really trying.. Therapy, taking my meds, seeing the doctor, hospitalized twice and completed 6 weeks of intensive outpatient hospitalization. Tired of crying every day. Tired of fear of myself knowing as it gets worse it could go to far. i feel so alone, no one can relate to say they understand, everyone’s hurt and feeling hopeless. Tired of hearing it will get better as I get worse. “Have faith, hope, believe”
I had a long talk with my mom the other day about my illness, due to past ive been afraid to because she would yell and scream. Explained the night my friends showed up and had the knock on the door not snapped me out no telling how far it would have gone, explained my flashback, when I was told “its obvious your not over that som of a bitch, when I left, parked and again disassociated, being told later that was a lie, him punching things and me saying one of us needed to leave. We talked about love, even though shes remarried deceased or a live shes always going to live my dad you dont stop loving a life of so many years.. For once she listened and understood when its usually she doesn’t want to hear his name
i have tried to protect her by not telling her as I know shes dealing with her MS. But shes coming around and trying to be loving and supportive unlike when I was in hospital and she told everyone they could have me.
I try to send grandma, mom and aunt texts often just letting them know I love them. But yesterday my grandma attacked with:
” Ok. So never forget i exist. I love you. I am here if you need or want me. But thanks for checking in even though you dont have to”
i go by when I can but know my aunts illness is her priority.. Her last call and only call was the news on my aunt and how i was her rock.. I cant even be my own rock. But she forgets when she was without food a few weeks ago who filled her freezer and cabinets. i was there more than just a visit or text. And for some reason people forget the phone works both ways. Not one sided and just me. Even with what Im going through I take the time.
I cried, felt I failed her, anxiety built and I detatched. i hate this. i hate being bandaged like a mummy. And thats what its getting to. it hurts to walk from damage to legs, cant lay on arms, and it hurts to even shower. I blame myself for everything get angry toward myself when it should be others.
The might Rick and Charlie showed up, I cried.. Bleeding telling them Im tired, I cant fight much longer. As each episode gets worse I fear the time I have left. That one cut just right and no one would know.
People can talk and say all they want to make me feel better but its the facts that apeak this has been going on since June doing all I can dor help.. Hospitalizations, intensive outpatient, therapy, meds and doctors.. And at this point for what? Worst ever on cutting and ao on harder to face work and people. im falling more apart, more voids, dead dreams and losing hope and faith in god and everything.