Today – 11/12/13

Today is going to be a long exhausting day mentally. Work, Doctors appointment to see what medications they will jack with next then right after drive around the block for therapy that is now two times a week or back to the hospital.. those were my options. Both are exhausting but I’m still trying to keep going each day, even when I have an incident like last week, I know it’s just a bump in the road.. that was more like a boulder but regardless. I’m hoping for a better week. I’m trying to make the best of it and even forced myself out for a 6.53 mile walk… got me out of the house and still didn’t have to be around anyone.
I try not to talk about what is going on, on here. Everyone’s got problems, some worse than mine really but do thank those who message me, text me or call me to see how I’m doing. End all be all.. I’m tired, Don’t understand why I have to suffer with this and some days the fight seems less worth it than worth it.

I am overly anxious about it all.  I didn’t sleep last night. Laid down at 930 fell asleep around 10, was back up at 10:40 back to sleep by 11 and up at 12, then woke up again around 2 and have been up since then.  My chest is killing me, I can’t focus on work, and it’s just getting really old.. last night I tried as hard as I could to hold back tears.. I’m exhausting myself by burying myself in work at a minimum of 50 hour weeks just to stay busy and try to keep my mind busy.  But I still manage to cut, and the cuts get worse.  Being alone scares me for that reason, not because I can’t be alone or need a relationship, but it’s just being alone in general with no one there to keep me safe from myself and be able to stop me.  As I said last week, had there not been a knock on my door to snap me out of the damage done to my legs and arms there really is no telling if I would have stopped.  I am thankful for friends who care and when they couldn’t get me by phone they came immediately.  Some don’t understand why people only check on me when Im home alone and CJ is out of town, but why would they need to if hes there, and they also don’t check on me out of respect and trust that he will take care of me.  But after his incident of temper, It now gives me something else I have to work on on flashbacks like I said, with the same as when my ex would yell, he never understood what I was trying to tell him and the damage it was causing.  There is so much work to be done in therapy I don’t know if it will ever end.  I feel worse instead of better and feel like even all the effort IM putting into getting better Im only getting worse.. and for once in my life I am terrified.

I need a break.  I need someone who understands completely what I’m going through, I need a strong support group which even my therapist says I lack.  I need an emotional break.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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