Well today was just as exhausting as I suspected. Doctor was running late so didn’t get out of there until 230 when had a 200 therapy appointment. The doctor now wants me every two a week saying” its better than being back in Springwood or Millwood” You need professional support right now.”
They still don’t know what to do about my meds, explained the blackoouts/disassociations and they still want to just mess with sleeping pills.
Therapy- we are atill working on what lead to my suicide attempt and me simply trying to die, as well as my cutting increasing due to blackouts and disassociations.
So many factors and still more surfacing.. My ex being one, not over him, but because of the damage hes done. Missing the kids, unable to cope as I get worse.
Therapist saw for first time how severe my cutting is getting. A lot of past and current are the breakdown. Anger turned inwards.. Like everything that piles is a poison going into my body and the cutting is to let it out. The anger and false pretenses that my ex thinks.. The negative angry things he used to say, for example “You need help” “You’re unstable” “no one will ever want to be around you as you only bring others down”, someone can say same in positive sense, like the other day I was told, “you’re cuts look bad, You need help” Said in a sense that more help is needed and they understand I’m getting it, but my mind went to the negative way it has always been said so all I do is hear the negative and blame myself.. “Or it brings me down to see you this way” being said as I care and seeing you down hurts me” Not that I’m just poison. His were not care or concern, they were just the inability to cope and be supportive, while others are and I take it as an attack when care or concern. We talked about how I have so much unresolved with no closure that that is part of the reason I take it the way I do, get defensive but then turn around and fill myself with blame and guilt.
Being myself for everything which I did even with him or anyone.. i take the blame for them.. to take the weight off everyone’s shoulders so they don’t have to bear what they have done. Blame and guilt that I had such this huge vision of 7 years that didn’t work. Seeing people get angry and frustrated at my cuts not at me but the situations.. (That is where I miss dad he never got angry, yelled, hit.. He just talked calmly)
So, I’m taking all the anger I have at others, myself, blame at myself and others and so on. She believes the stuff with ex that was done contributed and hes partly the reason to my suicide, as well as he lashed at me constantly, I blamed myself, felt like I let the kids down when it wasn’t their fault on top of having my depression worsen, hospitalized once and it didn’t help and I just gave up, hopeless and helpless I wanted to die. I failed those of my past, was making those of the present upset with seeing me go through this and I just wanted it to end, and still have days I want it to end. She knows I had my whole life as them! She had seen me in the past at the time of my rape, where I was told by someone that I deserved it, but I didn’t and put myself in therapy to cope with it. She knew that the kids and him were my #1, my purpose, my routines, my life, my love. It shocked me she remembered something from over 6 years ago. They were everything that let me be me and the dream of a family of my own some day with the man I loved. But even she said the emotional and mental and later physical abuse, it would have never worked. Said it wasn’t that I couldn’t handle the life, i just had a serious illness untreated and did not have his support and the relationship wouldn’t work. A lot don’t.
And now anything, something in the present happens It brings back past or may just be current. I punish myself. She said she can tell its not done intentionally by the way it looks, and its defiantly a blackout disassociation. Shes worried because even little things, the negative voices of the past in my head causing me to blame, feel guilt, be angry.. Even if not my fault and I lash out at myself because Im not an angry person I avoid conflict and it all just piles higher and higher until I lash out she says its even deeper than 7 years.
She wants to see me twice a week and doctor every other week. Shes very scared at severity but knows I cant go back to hospital and thinks one on one is more beneficial.. Shes just worried when I’m alone. Told her I cant go to work most days and shes asked me to try for own safety. I want to cry right now and cant. Its like its trapped inside, or I’m afraid to let emotions build because I will disassociate, I fear everyday and am scared. When I cry, get anxious think of how horrible I am.. Ashamed embarrassed anxious.. That is when the black out starts.
We talked about how when I cut last week and it was seen CJ punched something and his outward anger, I explained aside of road rage that’s the first time I’ve seen that. Said he has outward anger, I handle mine inward. She said but what if.. As in he punched the dresser with out thinking and did just out of anger toward me and what I had done. He says he would never do it toward me. But, there is always that in the back of someones mind when they finally see it, lived a child hood of it, and had an ex that swore he would never lay a hand on you and once trying to stab you during a blackout cutting to “snap me out of it” as well as shoving me several times bruising my sternum, When needing my medications only thinking of himself and allowing me to completely black out because of a panic attack and lack of oxygen.
On the incident the other night where CJ saw I cut She asked why the anger instead of being supportive of my condition, calming me instead of upsetting me more.. He didn’t know he would send me int a flashback. I made excuses and reasons and told her it was all me not him. I explained he doesn’t understand or know how to handle and support, I explained he does deserve credit for being there after my attempt, getting all the alcohol out of my house, and even though most of the time hes out of town so its easier, he has been there if I let him which I haven’t. I push him away, tell him we need breaks, I shut him out and I go quiet to anything that I should say or share, I am careful to share even therapy. I told her it was my fault that it happened because I had cut and had left to diffuse an argument, but while gone was when it happened because I needed to punish myself so that’s where my mind went and the blackout happened.
I don’t feel safe from myself, I don’t trust anyone right now or want them around to see me this way, I’m ashamed and embarrassed, I know I repeat that, I know this is out of my control but all I hear is I bring others down, so I push them away, I’m Poison to others. I’m trying to once again protect everyone. I feel it coming on so out dropping off medications and getting some food. The fact that tears want to fall and wont tell me something is numbing and blocking my ability.
I don’t know why anyone would want me around.. Really my ex saying no one wants this around them.. Hes right difference they wanna see me better.. Carry me when I’m to weak to fight and see me better. But I don’t want anyone seeing me this way.. Some wont let me easily push to protect them. And I really need to protect them, I’m a fixer and the fact that I’m not protecting and only hurting people, including the past from what I’m told and destroying them more, I’m failing. And I just want it all to be out of my system, all the poison.