Another day of hell

Broke down crying on front of employee as my friend/coworker came to rescue to get me out of building.
Stayed to self all day and tried to just focus on work.. Came home and obvious CJ had something on his mind. Asked whats wrong and he said nothing where his body language and tone told me I must have been born yesterday. So went in room and took a nap. Woke up he still wasn’t talking so grabbed laptop and went back to room to work a few hours.
He had come in and set a folded paper on end of bed I didn’t know what it was so I didn’t touch it . He came in later asked if I read it said didn’t know was for me. So he tore it up. I tried putting back together to read. Halfway through he grabbed it and crumbled it.
Said he would tell me what it said, said his heard and heart are fighting. He attacked me with two things:
1) He knows we are falling apart and one way he knows is theres no intamacy. i went off told him to look up all my medications and do some damn research.
2) He then brought up an email that a friend sent while I was hospitalized not knowing cj had my phone just letting me know I was in his thoughts but put “love you, dana ann gidner” i already talked to this friend about it and especially using my middle name. But I know he meant no harm.. Charlie was concerned and wanted me to know people want me here. But I told CJ I have no control over that. If 3 months later he’s bringing it up, take it up with charlie.
Tears began to fall and he reached over to wipe it.. Told him to stop and pulled away. The talk continued and I told him I can relate my heart and mind are doing the same, except I got why didn’t I say so while he was talking and I had to go in depth why.. But it was okay for him to just day his were fighting. Ugh. All day Ive listened to a song called “baby don’t cut”.. Well it didn’t work.. I finally wen numbed and ended up once again having an incident of cutting this time on outer, lower left wrist. I was numbed, felt nothing but the wetness of blood run down my hand.
Therapy tomorrow and he’s asked me to ask her how he can support and be compassionate of my illness. Did that once for him already and the answer is simple.. Research it! Do some work put some effort foreard. I don’t want eggshells or pity. Not sure what to talk about in therapy when he feels I shouldn’t talk about what is supposedly “squashed” and not bring it back up. i tried to get on to see her today but she was booked.
I told him we are toxic, especially me with what I’m going througj. Days like today I didn’t even want to come home wanted to find a hotel just me and my laptop, work and safe. Don’t want to deal with any stress or arguing. Didn’t want to feel unsafe from myself. im tired and now to feel bad that his sexual needs aren’t met that was mot supportive or trying to be there for me, and shortly after tells me one thing we both need to work on thinking before speaking. I generally do.. He’s the one who spouts out he’s leaving, or getting a motel, or we are over amongst many other harmful and damaging things to me and our relationship.
So what do I follow, i cant handle this current situation. its making me worse and harder on him. But even therapist said I cant handle that change right now

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

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