How else do you take a text that reads “I will make arrangements for myself today, you’re better off without me” to have it flipped that he said we just need to ultimately talk after therapy, first off therapy is draining enough. It started with being accused of deleting him from my Facebook when he shut his down. then it escalated. I got to work today shaking so bad that it concerned a coworker, it wasn’t that I was cold, I was having major anxiety already. Its been back and forth reneging on what he said and flipping it. To I finally just told him to make his arrangements at least for a few days because I can’t take anymore back and forth, wishy-washy arguing, saying things and then trying to take them back when its obvious that was his thoughts. To playing the “You know what.. your right, you win. I m a fuck up. I don’t know what I’m saying what i mean when I’m saying it I’m just a fuck up” to saying as he said a few weeks ago, I’m not fighting if I wasn’t fighting, not only for my own life but to try and make it work, he sure as hell wouldn’t still be there. then says we need to have a talk ultimately after therapy, and knowing therapy is draining enough where I spend the whole night crying and processing he wants to add that. I finally told him to do what he initially said make his arrangements for a few days as its time we take a time out and get shit straight I’m done with the back and forth, I don’t take shit well, and I am not naive and able to be bullshitted, when you say what you say you can’t come back and change it just because you didn’t get the response you wanted. I don’t do games, I’m very blunt, and wasn’t born yesterday. I’m tired of all the BS arguing over stupid shit, bringing up things I can’t control like an email I got while in the hospital 3 months ago, or the fact that Steve sees and comments on my blog. Im getting to the point of wanting to stop therapy, stop medications, stop everything because its obviously the problem, things were fine before that. I can’t even have concerned friends who want me to know I’m cared for with out getting crap. I get accused of pulling away because there’s no intimacy when its a side effect of medications and well with my current mindset its not a priority or even crossing my mind. Then I get accused of not wanting to be around him just because my work load is very crazy right now, Im the front woman of the team and I am needed almost 24/7 and also need the extra money. and I sit here now at work, blaming only myself, feeling numb, just as I did last night when I had an incident and felt no pain, it made me feel like I was also heartless. Told Im not fighting for this, if I wasn’t he would have been gone a long time ago… I don’t give up easily and give everyone the benefit.. I take relationships seriously. I’m fighting a fight for my life, and trying to fight for a relationship that is obvious a problem right now. Its time for a break, time to figure out my heart and head with out all these ultimatum talks, the badgering, the bashing.. As if its not bad enough I WANT ME back and am fighting that I have to fight over stupid shit, I have to be put down called naive, made to be stupid which I am very smart when it comes to being lied to or people not being open.. and very smart as to when you say something you initially mean it and you can’t just back track. I fight, I fought for 7 years to make a man see me for me, love me for me, and put him and his family at the top of the world, I fought till the end. I fought a 10 year relationship with one year of marriage that I KNEW would never work, to fight and give a chance. I don’t’ give up.. but I’m to that point.. I feel like I’m one bad relationship away from being the cat lady
Life is short, and mine seems shorter all the time. The only one to blame for all this though.. is me.. why.. things were fine before I attempted suicide and the real me died and I’m left with a shell, I’m trying to get help and trying to get better but I’m feeling so helpless.
I need a break and need to figure out what my heart and head are fighting, and yes fighting to make it work but I do not see this happening and I was very honest about that at the end of the messages.