Recap: Wednesday We talked more about the disassociations and even times where I dont know Im cutting. She said my mind has a punisher, i don’t hear it but it takes over an leads to the cutting from the blame,guilt and anything I turn inward. Just wow.. So my disassociation has a name. I asked how am I not conscous to know Im getting something.. She said the punisher takes over. As if the disassociations werent scary enough
Now I feel even crazier.. But its still a definite that I don’t do it intentionally.
Talked about my mom and her being supportive the most right now. Talked about the ones and the things enabling the punisher.
That night he got ahold of me pretty good, as I felt bad for the decision I made knowing it was the right one and as I recapped on some things Like that I had asked CJ to leave that morning. He was back that night as was charlie to sit with me so wasn’t alone.
This morning ‘it’ came back.. But pissed off that all his tools are gone. A knife wasn’t sharp enough it did the best it could. My head and heart are fighting for a relationship, as it hears the typical I know what to change, and want us to work. I dont have many I can safetly talk to, no one to understand, people wanting reassurrance and all these enablers to my screwed up mind. i make people insecure needing reassurance, i cant handle talking but feel forced to.
So yesterday I put some sites and signs into a blog but couldn’t bring myself to read it yesterday, this morning I did. All the warning signs to not go further in it.
Yesterday also my ex messaged me asking and saying he wished I could talk to his daughter as her and her mother were on the outs, and she trusts me she knows I loved them and knows I tried. It broke my heart. I wish everyday I could talk to them they were like my own kids. Through the night the dreams appeared, all of it, the break-up articles I needed to read, the fact that when I was with those children I tried to be for them what their mother wasn’t just as my dad did me when my biological nor step father wasn’t. i wanted to save them. I failed. All I could respond and it crushed me was to say I hope they both come around, my mom and I have been there but right ow even at 33 i need her and now shes here for me. I will never be their mother, my dad had the advantage I was literally given to him by my father and he adopted me.
Today I sit and wonder what happens when it tries and cant succeed.. What happens NEXT time? Now he’s pissed. Thinking back to my childhood abuse, each time the opportunity was given I paid for when the opportunity was taken away.