What today brings..

I woke up, showered put on dads old goofball sweatshirt and started cleaning, ran dishwasher, folded laundry, started another load and then got some homemade chili going in the crockpot, ran the vacuum and had a friend laugh when I said I was cleaning house because he sees it always clean.. So I rephrased it to straightening up around the house. I’m trying to keep my mind either busy or asleep to prevent bad things happening. I have a lot to process, think about and decisions to make but right now its all causing enabling to self harm. I have had a bad 3 days with that and over time do not have a spot on my arm that is not cut. I cry when I see it wishing I could stop it. Im trying to pinpoint what causes this punisher to win. Trying to cope with the fact I don’t know consciously knowing whats going on.
Thinking about the holidays coming up which I never handle well and the past 2 years mow being the hardest. Cant afford to go to moms and at this point none of my family has invited me.. sadly holidays are just another day.
It took along time to get back into Christmas and one year I did for the kids went all out decorating, stockings and so on and they left while I was working to go to their moms. The years to follow i always tried my best. I did lighten up seeing them open gifts but mine to them were never much excitement.
Their granny and pop always had them the best gifts and that was the joy I enjoyed seeing. I remember one year their granny got us all xmas shirts, mine had the grinch on it.. Was all in fun but all so true. Christmas was always dads favorite and I tried my best for the kids to make it what he and my mom did for us kids.
Miss my dad at the holidays, my moms not close enough, and holidays are just empty days to me and my depression always gets worse at this time of year.. Not just now but even my ex saw it. So I feel like I have to fight this all twice as hard.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

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