Last night..

.. Found sitting im a cold dark bathroom, razor in hand cutting what appeared to be the word “Failure” into my arm.. From what I could tell by what did cut and the marks from the skin being brushed with the dull razor.. It appears it was a over and over type of cutting”failure, failure failure” I feel like I have failed my past, failing my future because i don’t feel theres things I can talk about to him which then gets him upset. But he made it clear that he was tired of reading and hearing of my past especially when all I share is good. He doesn’t believe I should talk to others but until I feel I can talk to him without arguing or doing like I always do and say the wrong things I lean on the very few people I do have for support. The family I thought I had reconciled with wont even ask how doing nor do they know the bad state I really am in. He asked about me weighing pros and cons, heart vs mind battle, he apologized for small stuff that was frivolous and got upset when I said there was no need, it upset him.. And the punisher came out.. Playing in my head Im a failure. Work burnout isn’t helping as I did 14 hours yesterday. I went to sleep around 11 and have been up since 130. Im trying to make something work that I am not sure will or will not.. I try to believe but Ive been shattered so many times.. Damaging things said. As I said this morning on fb “It may not cause a blow to the body, as a fist, but the tongue is the sharpest part of the body, cutting through your heart and soul. ~dg~”

My heart and soul are shredded, muster up the strength to be strong and email my step daughter keeping it very casual and even telling her maybe one day, maybe months but that I can pick her up and we hang out.. When she said she always thought of me as a mom.. It warmed and hurt.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

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