processing yesterday

So last night before i fell into a 45 minute panic attack similar to the one I had about 14 months ago but this time I had my pills.. Took a few more than prescribed but needed to was either gonna black out or throw up or maybe both. Ended up taking 3 2mg pills a 1 mg pill and two of my atarax. A slight overdose I guess
It triggered by me explaining to CJ We cant keep doing this, neither of us stable for a relationship as a couple. That I am one of stability, dependability, structure, planning ahead, making sure i plan my finances to get things paid and nothing shut off and the only one providing that is me.. For myself.. Even when I am currently falling apart with so much going on I keep those 5 values. Everything I had when I was single and the last 7 years, its who I really am. He’s seen the damn spreadsheet I keep. Its who I have always been hell in my first marriage I would squeeze a nickel to make a dime so bills were paid. It a strength and good quality I can see in myself.. Its whats needed in life.. Even when single These all applied.. I learned independance.
Example he go mad at me friday because I made due and found a way even if left broke after my bills paid i was getting rent paid. He said he had the money but it wasnt even the first yet.. Why hold on to it? IDK ended hp being a big blow up over it. I ended up letting the punisher win that was when I left for a bit ended up parked at a park reaching for my worry stone and next I knew i was slicing at my arm.
I realized today Ive done so much cutting on one arm there is mo hair even left it looks like I shaved one arm.
He’s working a “i work when they have work nob” not looking for a stable day to day job while he’s off for a week. I even tried with my ways to “fix him/help him by showing him a work in texas no site when that wasnt what he wanted my computer for.. I forced it on him and I need to stop being the fixer of everything and everyone, that was a big part of therapy yester.. I told him all this and all of a sudden he has work next two days, 3-4 next week and a few the following week. My therapist said that would happen when explained dependabity, that that would be the guilt shame that he now has work and he’s going to prove to me because he believes in me and Us. It places blame and shame because I do have a heart, i do care about people and others feelings.
Before my attack I said we are better going back to friends or roommates. We practically have been here lately anyhow with the way he says I show no acfection. except this way less arguing, less triggers, ect.
During my attack he said he didn’t feel that was my definite answer but for me to really think about it before I made my final decision. Mentally I obviously cant handle it.. I blame, feel guilt.
Therapist says its not confusion at all.. Its not having the strength, its letting my heart be played with just like when I told him Friday also its best he leave and he said “is that your head or heart?” As my therapist said yesterday what difference does it make.
Be was told monday that the affectionate person was because he was and to make him happy, im not big on pda.. Im a card buyer, a little note leaver, all things I cant do with him either or anymore, don’t have it in me it was a special memory. Im afraid of losing my best friend that he was prior to this. The main thing I told him before we started dating the one thing I wasn’t willing to risk.. We really were just like brother and sister.. Hell creepy finding his letters from jail starting our “hey sis”
He was my safety, i do love him, but im not sure Im to the point of in love with him, its only been a year. i told him I feel guilt every day because I will always be in love with my first soul mate, even if it cant work its the proven fact of the matter and not fair to him.. 3 pieces of my heart were left elsewhere. We talked of this to and she asked if I would go back for the same of the kids.. I told her I had to realize I cant save them like my dad did us.. They have a living mother who loves and cares and I cant nor will I ever replace that but to realize that did hurt in the beginning I wanted to be everything my dad was when Keylee came to live with us, save her from a mother who shipped her away.
i have therapy again tomorrow and him away till friday then later next week. I hope my therapist is right after a little time my new med will kick in giving me more energy, less foggy and more clear on thoughts. I really do hope this new med os THE MED.. The miracle pill to get ME back and not eeyore all the time. My thoughts clearer to make a decision. They said the first few days I may be edgy so Im glad he has work so no arguing and that trigger is eliminated for the punisher.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

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