Therapy had alot of twists and turns and talking about several things going on in my head. It was one of the better sessions I guess.
i came home and when asked again what my breakthrough was I explained that there is no stability, structure or dependability, communication all things a relationship needs. Neither of us are in a shape for relationships.. That neither of us are good for the other right now. Hes not working a stable job and not dependable to pay even his truck I SIGNED FOR. He threw at me that he made almost more on a weeks job than I do in a month on side job vs a real job, So I said okay whens the next job “I’m supposed to hear something tonight.
Guilt sets in.
I ended up in a 45 minute panic attack unable to breathe and not knowing if going to pass out or throw up.. Haven’t had that happen in a long time.
He continued to ask what am I saying should we just be friends, i said may be best.. He still kept asking which put me into panic attack.
More guilt and shame sets in.
Asking if i do ultimately made decision to at least give him a few weeks to get money.. Now Im too weak and lightheaded from attack and pills have me spaced out took 2 different anxiety pills.
And the kicker to everyday guilt and shame and my big caring yet shattered heart:
I dont want to hurt either of us, its a double edged sword.. Seeing him cry shattered me.. And i also explained its not fair that I will always be in love with my ex even if we cant be together, and I don’t want to lose my best friend who was once like a brother and why skeptical to even have a relationship in the first place. Its not fair to h.. It would be lile a puzzle with that mussing pieces.. The pieces i left with my ex and his kids.
Its obvious Im fighting a battle within. But mentally right now I am not strong enough. She thinks the wellbutrin XL i started today will give me more energy and less foggy on things. Because right now i don’t know what the hells going on other than typing this to keep mind busy, be able to go back and reflect when I feel better.
The punisher is trying his best to come out.. Especially when you see someone you care about cry knowing you caused that. The cause to all of this my depression got worse no longer hideable.. The suicide attempt making it twice as bad. I’m to blame for what was good in the beginning being gone. O don’t fulfill his attentive needs. I stay myself even at home