trying my best

Im struggling with guilt and shame to make a decision I know I need to make.. although Im not sure what that decisions is.   IF I don’t soon there is no telling whats going to happen, My anxiety is high, stress is high, the punish-er is loving it.. No matter how shattered my heart is.. its still there and it still tries to find good in everything, It loves, and it cares of past and present, it doesn’t want to hurt anyone but in the end, Im hurting either way..

Dealing with alot of anxiety lately, severe chest pains that are just unbearable. I think I know the cause of it but I have to find out how to get a hold of it and fix it. I am also working on the triggers that make me disassociate. I still have a very long journey ahead of me, but Im trying to keep my head high, no matter what happens I have to tell myself.. I will make it. I try to stay calm but my mind races worse than a greyhound.. I need the mental strength, the willpower and the fear to go away. Im trying to get up every day, do my routines that I have, get through each day safe, and try to stay on this road to recovery, but it seems like a couple steps forward is one back, but atleast Im still on step forward, Right? They say it gets easier, but I am still trying to believe it as its been since June that this hit really bad.  but it was a long time coming as I hid it for years and it was already getting back 18 months ago.. but I couldn’t get help. now Im getting help, its costing me out the ass, but Im getting help.
I just want me back, I just don’t ever see it happening, as I said before, I think the me that everyone knows and loved dies when I attempted suicide, I even lost my humor.. thats huge.  I am pushing away and pulling away from everyone.   I am trying to have faith my meds will be right, that therapy will help, Therapy is helping and I do see it little by little, we are figuring out the triggers to what causes my disassociations. We are working on the damage thats been done by both my past and present and I am learning to forgive, but that doesn’t mean I forget or excuse the same actions.. I give chances but sometiems too many.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

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