After writing “learning to love” Which a friend said was the most positive hes seen in probably a year, It being one of the most clear thought blog I have written in quite some time and talking about loving myself again as I stopped somewhere over the past 8 years and put that love into some special people. They were priority.
But the past 7 months in itself I can’t seem to catch a break with two hospitalizations for suicidal thoughts and one for an attempt, getting to where I had a fear of leaving the house to now unable to leave the house unless to go to the doctor. Worst part not knowing what is wrong with me right now and put on work from home only for another week and the sit and wait for results. I have had to have breathing treatments, been on antibiotics, in the ER and now my goal is to just stay out of the hospital. Its like okay shes ready to get out and concur the world lets knock her on her ass again.
It’s not the way I planned on starting out my new year. Although I do feel I ended it with me at peace for no matter what is to come the two girls I raised as my own got the final Christmas gifts from me, it hurt to even know it will be the last and I do hope they keep it in their hearts, and that their dad and grandma are not so heartless to not give them to them, I know they were delivered as I got confirmation and a good amount of money spent – I sent my ex fiance his ring back as he requested, not sure why with all the nasty things hes said, yeah people tell me.. and I will always have mine. Just as I will a love forever, as strong as it was it wont completely go away. I’m sure to sell for scrap metal or use as a bullseye ring as he did my pictures.
But thats all behind me, I have to heal, I can’t start a new chapter until I close the last one and it has taken me a long time to mentally and emotionally do so. The best thing though, is memories. If a memory can fade so quick, then maybe it wasn’t really a good memory to begin with, maybe the feelings you thought or falsified, were not real. My memories don’t faded, from the good times as a kid up until today at this very moment. Memories whether its me driving by pizza garden where we had lunches on 377 when I was headed to the doctor the other day, seeing a doughnut shop as a game became with the kids to point out doughnut shops as they are everywhere, or even just a song that may play on the radio, I still have a hard time seeing any mutual friends. But the best thing about your best life experiences is you hold on to those memories forever, they will never fade for me, they mean to much.. “they” meant too much to me. I will always love, miss and think about them.
My medications are stabilizing for my Depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, and the ‘punisher’ has not reared his ugly head in about 2 weeks I guess. I’m continuing my therapy, with the exception of recently because of whatever is going on with me health wise, but she is always an email away when I have needed her.
My saying for 2014 is “I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m on my way!” I’m going to love myself get back my self-confidence, my self-esteem, my dignity and my pride, and when that happens I can again take on the world. And until you FULLY have all of this you can then offer the world to anyone you choose.