Insecurities and flaws and biggest of all recognizing coming to terms

This became more than a babble its lile a short biography or something. Kudos to anyone who makes it to the end.. It could go more in depth but that is for my blog , so much to where I can begin the stregth of even if i have a slip up, i can get back on track, its not where I want to be, derailed. so many of you are coming back into my life with Im sure what I was made out to be, but you are back because somewhere you saw through that. So here I babble.
I am not the drama all portrayed me as, wasn’t even the reason, i was defensive to some one who needed constant attention.

When I cant sleep, I think. When I think I cant sleep. Its a vicious cycle I cant break. But the good that came from this night is some deep soul searching. Pinpointing my flaws, my fears and my insecurities. Yes I can admit I have them and mine got worse until I got out, now its a road of recovery and knowing who is true, who is not. Maybe my past caused a lot of that, my depression caused a lot of that.
But I know this: (and yes I believe I have to be what Im not but Im recovering and becoming a survivor of a narc. If I wasn’t I would be able to say this. Id be to blame, Id be at fault and id be wrong for having feelings, deep whole hearted thoughts.
I know Im not the prettiest, the smartest, i dont have the model body, im kind of like one of the guys, been told it many times. Yes 85% of my friends are men. I am not the rumors and the lies, those who believe them, move along. It took a long time for this as I was the fixer. I was the pleaser.
I dont have the perfect body, its covered on scars. I get fearful and insecure over my own mental illness, something I stay ashamed of and tell myself everyday.. This is not what makes me, it is not what I am, what I am and what it is.. its who I am that people will love. In order to shut this off, to not hurt or be hurt, i become defensive to protect myself, to push people away before I get hurt. It took me a long time to tell myself the exact words I said its not what I am, its who I am. I have illnesses and fight depression, i have trust issues and tend to keep a wall up, and that is what I am, but those who really love me see past that to who I am. I am not my depression, I not my self harm, I am no my suicide attempt, i am a survivor. Are people ashamed of me and my scars, or the fact I do it! Yes, until they understand it a punisher, its a disassociation. that os what I am base on chemicals that are getting balanced.
Something I couldn’t do for 7 years was stand and take care of me, everyone else came first. Escaping was scary, having nothing but cloths was scary. But looking back.. In this year and a half I may have taken a very hard fall of wanting to end life, but i rose above, with my own place, a job. A new truck, I worked up to have this.. To not let just having clothes ad &50, be the end, not yet. And then it consumed me took over the good I was doing
Who I am is what you see, its what you get woman who has survived many things, a lovable person, a genuine human being, someone whos not afraid to admit fault, but who will detatch and feel she needs to be punished.
I am A woman who is pretty much a open book, who loves to laugh and crack jokes, who will be your best friend when needed. A woman who has learned to not beg for love or try to please the world, to take care of me and know it is not selfish. A woman who is intelligent with many dreams an big pictures ahead in her future.
I guess what I am saying is this, life may seem at its worst I know I thought it was. I didnt think of who I would leave behind, i thought of the good they would be with me gone. It was a wake up call for sure. I no longer wish me dead. I want to one day have that american dream, the house, the family the dog in the yard, the bay window and the white picket fence (that will be painted) And only I can make that happen, cant do it if I am not here.
And my mind must babbled more. I will continue this in my blog and stop boring anyone with my semi-inspiration that things can get better, just be you – your surroundings fall into place, even when you don’t think they will. Don’t assume who your friends are and are not, let it write its own history.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

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