I JUST DON’T CARE – And I do not say this in a negative way.. I am very positive when I say it, I realize It was a big part of my past problems with others, I cared way to much and my heart was way to big.  Are they both still there, Sure.  But I can not let it be the stress or the near death of me again.  I will focus only on what I can control, If others are involved there is no control over anyone but myself.  Pretty much sums things up and over the last two weeks since my last appointment.. It goes like I told my therapist.. i just flat out don’t care..She replied with I guess that works, but what is it you don’t care about? Me: Everything…
It came about when she asked if I was not sleeping do to stress of my health issues right now.. My reply: I just learned to not care. I am doing what I can by getting doctors and specialists and what doesn’t kill me.. I will fight.  Its not in my control, All I can do is make and go to the appointments.  Kinda like with my tire.. I couldn’t drive to my appointment stressed and worried about it,  if it goes out it goes out, by the time I noticed it and appeared it didn’t go straight through, it was not time to get to a tire shop…
The moral to this is all I can stress over is what I can rationally fix.. If I can’t fix it or don’t fix the things in life,  well nothing I can do but let it happen.  I typically would even stress over bills, money and so on. Not even stressing about things like money.. I am doing what I can- working what I possibly can to make ends meet and pay all my bills with out letting anything else go.  If I simply can’t pay something then I go without something and adjust.. I even bumped therapy up to every 3-4 weeks, now that taking up yet another damn doctor. And well, Im less stressed now that I am just tired of running, hiding, caring what is being done or said to me.  And focusing only on what is in my control. Generally if others are involved you can not control it, and why would you.  I learned this from looking at my past and the future I wanted was unfair to anyone who didn’t want the same.   I can only control my actions and the best thing to do is let things just happen.  It is what it is.
In the end I may end up very lonely with this train of thought. But I also do not believe in controlling others.  Say example, I want a kid.. Well it really is what it is and when it is meant to be, if it is meant to be, it will happen.  I can’t make anyone want one as well.  When it comes to things I want or need, I can’t make someone want or need anything they do not.  🙂 Its all a matter of maturity really if you look at it and really see what I am typing.  You can only do for you, only control you and your actions.  So things are others, some things are no ones. (weather, the cost of rent, ect. )

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

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