What am I becoming?

I feel empty, I feel cold. So many lies told to me in the last 3 months alone, and hurtful, hateful ones at that. I shouldn’t care and should take it for what it is and what these people show me they are. But I did care. Now I sit mainly with a life of my cats and I day and night, getting out maybe to watch a game or something. At least I know the cats cant and wont hurt me. I can trust them. Is that what this world has really become?
I for one was always the one with the warm forgiving heart up until late, now it feels numb, empty and in a cage all alone. Next to it in another cage is a hungry lion looking to prey upon it. Monitoring its every beat. Wondering when its time to attach will be.
I have become more outspoken than ever and will say things of truth even if it hurts. That didn’t used to be me, i walked on eggshells of life, always. Some call it becoming stronger, even more independent and so on. But it just doest feel right my intentions are never to hurt anyone, but I will be honest.
Anxiety builds in me as I sit here tonight in so much pain. And even there not a complainer or one to let anyone get me down, all these illnesses have knocked me in my ass. Its draining the life right out of me, forcing me more into isolation as I don’t want to complain, don’t want others knowing how I am, frustrated and irritable with doctor after doctor and it looks like I may soon have yet another for my list, one if which my mom explained will give me epidural injections to try and give me relief.
I wake up in the morning after a restless night of sleep, and even the bottoms of my feet have pain for about the first half hour of the morning. Still having blackouts. Todays consisted of coming to with my face on my keyboard at work, another later in the afternoon. Luckily they happen when Im sitting but I am beginning to think something about sitting, maybe a pinched nerve or something is causing it.
I met with my old friend, Carter,Friday whe he asked “why is this all happening. i explained Ive had alot of the symptoms a while but never took the time to go to doctors or put me first. When I got real sick at the beginning of the year they started finding all these things. Just seems its all hitting at once but just that all the tests continued to find issues and the more I talked family medical issues the more they did tests. I actually even told my therapist “shit, I should have stayed in a life where I didn’t care about myself because I had 3 people who were a bugger priority to me. Then I would know these incurable things here till I die.”
Im becoming bitter of life itself, I try to look at the good, I try to look at all I have. But really…
Well, it seems I am of a wasted space a healthy human could be living and have, what others could have around them without all of this. I have cut therapy back to every 3 weeks than every week. I had taken myself off some meds that I am mow back on and learned They are permanent in this life. A bad kind of permanent thing Id rather not have.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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