Bombs Ticking #1

So here I am.. The drinker with a writing problem.  And a mind that in the last 36 hours keeps ticking.  I feel Crazy.. Not in the silly fun, make you laugh kind of crazy either. 

So, as much as I try not to talk about the bad going on with me, sometimes I have to.  So here I am to do so on some events.  Yesterday at work it appeared I had what I was told by the quack neurologist were short black outs.  But this time it was weird.  I would hear someone say something to me. I was the only one in the building, it would be people like CJ, or my mom, never anyone who works there.  IM LOSING MY MIND is my first thought. I don’t know that they generally last long I would say if I had to try and remember times it would be anywhere from 3-15 minutes.  But nothing has ever talked to me, I felt like it was some crazy after life stuff. I continued my work day and then took off to see the new neurologist.  On the way, I kept feeling faint and it would pass, next thing I know Im driving down 30, for whatever reasont he whole drive I couldn’t get my foot to get to the speed limit and was only doing 40, thank god, because Some time passed and the next thing I knew I was in the shoulder and about to have my passenger bumper hit the guard rail.  
I get to the new ‘doctor’ and my vision issues were not discussed, black outs not discusssed, headaches not discussed.  Typical check reflexes, tell me that’s good. Looked at brain MRI I took, that was good, and tells me I seem fine. And proceeds with “have you tried Klonopin, It works with these kinds of jerks”  I thought, No I only try it to control anxiety from JERKS.  But told him yes its my daily regimen for all my other depression meds and sucj.  So he tells me to keep taking it and see it helps.. Uh I just told you I have been on it for quite some time now, nadda. Today I scheduled the EEG for August 12, 2014 as that was the closest. he didn’t really say much as what he thought it was until I had to ask at whick he said well I would call it myoclonic spasms and that you have Myoclonus.  A stem of something else, so thats why hes doing the EMG. Since doctors dont like to explain things I looked it up

Most often, myoclonus is one of several signs in a wide variety of nervous system disorders such as multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s disease, subacute sclerosing panencephalitis, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD), serotonin toxicity, some cases of Huntington’s disease, some forms of epilepsy, and occasionally in intracranial hypotension. Some researchers indicate that jerks persistently may even cause early tremors.

 

So last night I sat depressed a bit, trying to be strong and keep my head up as everyone says, but I hate that I can’t do anything with out being in pain, or with out not being able to breathe at times, Depressed over my weight gain once again as of course they took my weight. Up 4 lbs in like 2 weeks.  A person does not rapidly gain this much weight.  Found other papers on May 20th I weighed 132, On June 20th I was up to 148. I have not gained weight in 10-12 years. I worked too hard after leaving my ex husband and drop 4 pant sizes for this.  Everyone says “you look better, you look healthy, but to me. I just cry looking at myself. I have not changed my eating habits in years, was actually exercising MORE, and still gaining.  But for me.. Its killing me inside.  Nothing is working to get it right. 

I sit, I cry, I tell myself to be stronger and not let it get me. But its been long enough, can I get ONE answer JUST ONE. 

 

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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