Where do I go from here?

Theres two directions, up or down. After many days in the hospital hooked up to so many wires that they had to be put in two bags to carry just to go to the restroom. And being a fall risk thats as far as I could go. And what did I devote and make a priority, work? Yes, seriously, work. Not relaxing, reading books, sleeping, baseball, nothing. I made a pogo account again but that was as far as it got. My mom and brother stayed in close contact via text to keep up with me.
I wont lie, I was scared. Im still scared. The seizures caused cardiac arrhythmia. My pulse remained low, 51 when I got there and never reached 60. My blood pressure never went high which was good, my oxygen stayed around 96%.

It is a definite diagnosis of seizures that there is no doubt. But my first EEG showed 3 abnormalities indicating epileptic seizures. The Epilepsy monitoring unit showed no spikes in the brain electrons but they did physically see the involuntary movements, the blackouts lasting from a few minutes to 30 minutes.

So I found out there are epileptic (stems from the brain) and non epileptic that stems from physiologic and psychogenic. And I am lucky to have both! NOT. Non-Epileptic can not be treated with medications. Basically I am to watch my stress for seizure and heart purposes. Both Epileptic and non have the same symptoms, muscle issues, vision disturbance, the fog or daze I am in after, confusion and then the urge to sleep.

I had seizures as a child, many times when hit in the head due to a tube thats there to assist with oxygen, been there since I was born. They then turned into heat or fe ver seizures. So with the history the doctor could make the seizures a definite but now its what kind. There are so many. The hospital told me to stop the seizure meds and I may ask my neuro to have it done again. i was in meds 3 weeks, maybe thats why nothing was seen in the EEG readings. The EKG readings were out of whack but hey figured out why. i told them to ask my ex’s any of them would say I didn’t have a heart, they were waisting wires!

Physiologic nonepileptic seizures are caused by a variety of conditions that can be the result of sudden changes in the blood supply to the brain or in the sugar or oxygen levels in the brain. These include changes in heart rhythm (cardiac arrhythmia), sudden drops in blood pressure (syncopal episodes), or very low blood sugar (hypoglycemia). Other physical conditions, such as sleep disorders and movement disorders, may have symptoms or episodes associated with them that can look like seizures. It is important to get these sorted out by a physician.

Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures seem to be caused by stressful psychological experiences or emotional trauma. Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures are one way that the body indicates excessive stress.

I was told these can go all the way back to childhood to current or past abusive relationships or very traumatic life changes (divorce, loss of a loved one, ending of long relationships, etc.)

So look back over the last 4 years, I lost my dad, I lost a man and kids who were my world, My mom had a heart attack amongst other things, I lost a man who was a step father to me, I lost my chances of things due to love and sacrifice because my dreams were dreams others already met. Had kids, had houses, had it all the american dreams. The trauma of my suicide attempt, my scars I see every day. I could go on and on and yeah maybe both those would make sense.

But, my meds are stable, I’m in therapy and Im even trying to fix my health, the rest is just ‘details’. For 7 months I have been in and out of hospitals, admitted, in and out of ER’s. Have found out I have a bad thyroid, and now this to sort out. Its like Dr’s just slap a bandaid on and send me on my way. Sometimes I wish I would get hit by that bus.
I am still by law unable to drive, think that might stress you out, you cant go anywhere without asking someone to take you. When you are as independent as me, that doesn’t sit well.
Everyone used to you being strong, being there for them, being the rock. Because well thats what I have always been. when even here recently I found out they cod care less to do the same for me. My family in area did Not bother to check on me, see me, yet I was demanded I be there for a broken ankle while in a rehab center. They used my illness to benefit attention for them.

So where do I go from here, fall down for a bit or try to stand back up, right now Im just on my knees, praying for one or the other. But its only me who can do it. expecting people to be there just leads me to disappointment. I have had enough of that.

still researching

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

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