2 AM

Laying here and I cant sleep, cant read from seizure activity blurring my vision. Playing slots, dint need my eyes for that. I took my Lodine,Vicodin, Flexaril and Klonopin. That should knock me out. But here I am. Outside in shorts and a tank listening to the sprinklers. Its nice out here. Good weather to cap. Didn’t do much today, which was nice. I was invited to go see social distortion and turned it down. Paula asked me to go see harms band at ribs, turned it down. The other night when I couldn’t sleep I sat up thinking, tonight not a ounce I want to think about but the other night didn’t have Klonopin either. Friday, I sat thinking of men who have been loved by me, been in live with by me, and asked one question, why me? Why did they pick me? Of all thats out there, why? Looks? Maybe thats where it started, thats where it had to, they didn’t know me. I ask why I loved these men. My ex husband was a mystery, I guess because if the years spent. But it wasn’t ever a bond love. I was 15 when we met, it was a HS love. Then time passed and with my illness figured he was the only one who would have me with an embarrassment of an illness, of scars. I learned later I was kinda right. Then I think, you know what he could have been with me because of my family. Parents liked and trusted him. Him and my brother became almost inseparable.
Next, I loved too much and tried to hard to make them love me, to accept me for my illness I tried to hid and I just wanted to be loved. And the kids were my world. Well trying to hard was wring too, Im to this fay thought of as a cheater, a liar and that I didn’t live as I say I did, simply because after many times of trying we couldn’t make it work. Hurts! But, when I go through each day, I know all I was and gave and when I die I will know I had more self love and respect fir myself alone to ever cheat! But, to even think Someone would feel that way crushes me. That the case, again, why me? He wanted a rockstar life the big star life. It wasn’t me but I supported it in love and commitment.
Then along came my best friend, the one I called Bubba, and I his sis. Never ever did either of us expect an us. After time of him helping me with my hang, hanging out and being a friend and respecting that even when we went out, somewhere we started dating. Im accused if a liar for saying it would never happen, hell never did I in my tight mind think it would. Now his wife accuses hum of cheating with me. Well damn, wish we had known sooner.. Haha. I even talked yo him the other day, asking the same, why me. The answer was a simple one.. “You should know why and Im not answering that.”? He’s always and forever my best friend, always honest even when it might hurt and I need that. Thats my live for him. I can be open and just talk.
I look at what a mess I am. Illness of depression, self harm thats uncontrollable, now real serious things like seizures. Who needs that in their lives?
A friend/coworker kept checking on me today because of the day asking how I was. I dodged the first two and finally just said: I am what I am.. Just me. His reply “An awesomely intelligent caring honest friend. I know that. ” at which he was told not to bullshit me.
im a blunt, sometimes quitky, sometimes sad, sometimes a cut up mess and sometimes an asshole who wants to be left alone. Thats who I am. I had to learn quick 2 years ago to toughen up, thicken my skin and build a wall. And when I try to be all he says I am, when I care, I get burned, hurt, played and betrayed. And the inly one at fault is MYSELF. I allow it I let down a layer, I think people can change, I look to only the good in people. Its a quality I was taught by my dad and later my mom after having so much disbelief due to my childhood abuse. Only one of my monsters in my head.
I guess thats all of my babble. I should go lay down. Want to walk try to get a interest and memory of geocaching maybe. Or I may be my hermit and stay locked in. Turn off the phone, computers and read. Seems more legit.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

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