That’s what I woke up to this morning. A text from a friend who is a thousand miles away that read:
I’m soooooo sorrry. I love you with all of my heart..please be stronger than me…
I have talked with him before on this, its not the first, nor will it be the last that he sends me these. I get them monthly and its becoming more of a bi-weekly thing. And thankfully I am now stronger than he is, I suppose. Had this been 2 years ago, not so much. Maybe that is why he reaches out to me.
My initial words to him first were this text reply:
You know I love ya too, buddy. Wasn’t gonna respond because we have had this talk. You know How I feel about it. If thats truly what you’re going through, get help. There’s a life worth it. No matter whats going on people care about you and want you here. And this is a coward, cop out move that I myself once took to and today, glad I was found so I Can face the world and anything problem I have and say Fuck You I got this Shit! Because that feels much better that Fuck you I am defeated. From now on when I get these that I am going to just going to take it as that you are gone. Be sad, and mourn a friend passing as normal people do.
So, man up.. Grab a beer because that’s what you do and draw me a god damn gizmo so you can mail it to me, ass hat. Because I know you are gonna wake up and read this.
PS. This is why you love me, I know because that’s the first thing you will say when you call, followed by.. You’re such an asshole. 😉
Some of those words may sound harsh, and yeah, I can be an asshole. I am certified! LOL. And I did check on him, he is okay as I suspected. I do not take suicide lightly. But, with him I know it is more of a cry for attention than anything. As his first words were did you call to check on me because you care, that’s all I wanted. Some of these exact words were said to me when I got out of the hospital, by a dear friend who cared. All the way down to her telling me she knew I wasn’t a coward and one to take an easy out and ask why I tried. She is a woman whom I have been friends with since I was 15. She has seen me through my hospitalizations. She’s seen me survive before. But as harsh as the words are. They are true to an extent. Its not the best choice of words to say to everyone, but you can pretty much know the situations to use them in. He was one of them. As I said, I knew what he was doing.
I have lost a couple of people over the last 3 years to Suicide. And several almost lost me. It’s not a joke, it’s not a game. Some play it to be. I have befriended some who have used it to be. They even later said they did. They made a joke out of me and something that was a traumatic part of my life. I then realized they weren’t the friend I thought they were. Then there are some who have played it against me to see just how far they could push and then been pissed when I called their bluff and sent a welfare check on them. Why they asked? Um, Hello? You said you were going to kill yourself. Try because I cared. And because if someone is suicidal you don’t put yourself in a situation that could be homicidal, you let the professionals get them somewhere safe. You get them the help they need.
I will always find my friends the help they need, be an ear when they need one, try to offer the advice I can from experience, lessons, and so on. Depression is not a choice, it’s an illness. Life is a choice and everyone should choose it no matter what, it was given to us for a reason, not to take it. Did we live this long to just kill ourselves? I think not, we lived this long to see what else is ahead. Does life suck sometimes? Hell yeah it does.. but getting past it is the best feeling ever.
A follow up:
Sunday. I was out to Lunch and Adam called. I typically would not answer a call until after as its rude. But, it was thankfully understood I needed to take the call. He was okay. I talked to him for a few and then let him go after I knew he would be okay. After we ended the call he sent me this.
Its just who I am. Its not about deserving anything really. I am not asking for anything in return. I am just offering support. What I wish I had more of when I needed it. But, most of all, knowing I am here today for my friends when I almost wasnt. To have overcome such a challenge. And everyday I apologize to those who I selfishly almost left.