Why do we feel?

Why do we feel?  No, I don’t mean by touch.. Why do we feel with emotion? We get happy, we get sad, we get angry?  All emotions.  Pixar I believe it was, just made a movie ‘Inside Out’ if I am not mistaken.  About the 5 emotions; Anger, Disgust, Joy, Fear and Sadness.  I haven’t seen the movie but I have seen the preview.  I can assume its to teach kids that emotions are ‘normal’.  That’s another word I don’t understand.  ‘NORMAL’ What the hell is ‘normal’?

So, sit here.. I have for a feel days trying to figure out how I feel.  I have been asked what’s wrong.  ‘Nothing, I am tired.’  ‘Nothing, I just don’t feel good’.  ‘Nothing, I have a migraine.’  ‘Nothing, My mouth hurts.’ Now, these were all valid after having the Mirena procedure week before last which has caused a crazy amount of bleeding.  (yes, TMI, but then when I though oh an ultrasound won’t be too bad it was a vaginal ultrasound this Thursday).  To Saturday my routine teeth cleaning being a deep cleaning, fixing one filling, crowing another old filling and having to get another filling and leaving 4 hours later.  I can substantiate some of those.  Sleeping very little and working a very mentally exhausting job at 68 hours for the week, also substantiates it.  Unless you have ever worked a mentally exhausting job, you wouldn’t understand.

But, there is more going on.  I don’t know if I am sad, withdrawn, in disgust in things that I know and or don’t understand and can’t confront  people on when they lie or are dishonest in my life.  If I am just really tired.  But what I do know is when I start to feel, my body has learned as a defense mechanism that is just numbs.  It shuts down and it goes to where it was and where it chooses to be.  and that is to block all of that bullshit out.  Because there isn’t any room for all of that in my life.  I push it out of my life.  I go to me. the one that is smiling, laughing, joking and happy.  No drama is wanted in my life and I refuse to have it.  I allowed it for so long.  So, by numbing and immediately pushing it out, by not allowing myself to feel it or allow it inside, I don’t allow myself to be sucked into start feeling it and be trapped into it.  I will not crash.  I will not go backwards.  So, why do we have to feel negative feelings to begin with.  Shouldn’t our minds work that way.  To immediately snap out all of the negative and turn life around to bring the brightness?  I guess its mind over matter, or its all a matter of the control that You yourself have.  I didn’t have that in myself before.  I allowed myself to be sucked into the drama, sucked into it all.  Or at least when I was old enough to know better.  As a child I didn’t have much choice.  But when my dad came along he was able to help us all have a little more strength and lift us up to get up.

But, I guess the numbing mechanism, is still that little bit of weakness in me.  Or a shield, just in case?  Who knows.  Some would say the numbness isn’t normal.  It didn’t use to be for another reason.  I would numb.. but I would numb and not feel the  pain that I thought I should feel and then try to feel it.  Now, its not a matter that I feel I should be punished for anything and feel pain.  I an not running from anything I have done wrong.  I am simply making a better life for myself.  And only allowing myself to have good surroundings. :).

In other news, This Sunday is my dads Birthday. He will be 72. The only thing is we won’t be spending it together.  He will be in heaven, I will be here.  So, I will be taking him his balloons and setting them off so they can get to him. I feel so alone during this. My mom has remarried she feels she betrays her husband talking about him. My brother doesnt speak to me.  I go alone. And maybe thats best. Its peaceful.  Maybe that’s the numbness this week.  Tears start to build up as I type this and ironically (no joke) against all odds starts playing on Pandora.  WOW! and with that.. I will close this blog.  I had another I wanted to write tonight about success that I had written up over the weekend.. but that will need to wait now..

Much love to you all.  Thank you for all your support and respect in your own ways that you have.  I hope that I have continued to help and inspire you in many ways.

  Keep shining!

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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