Woman up…

That’s what its gonna take.. or so I told myself that when tears fell this morning.  I don’t do emotional bullshit.  It pisses me off.  Crying typically only happens when I am pissed.. so when you are crying because you are emotionally upset then crying because you are pissed off that you are crying.. its like double whammy.. wtf, OVER!!  LOL

You really can’t help but later laugh thinking about it.. right?  Just throw some water on it and woman up, woman!  You got this shit!  🙂

I hate feeling like I am hurting people, I hate feeling like I am hurting myself inside.  I hate not knowing what to really feel in the moment.  I am the worlds worst and numbing emotions to not be hurt.  A defense mechanism inside me from being hurt so much in the past.

I was talking with my friend today in Michigan and just flat out told him.. I am not a dating material.  I have come to terms with realizing, I am a damn workaholic.  I at first worded it wrong that I am not lovable.  That isn’t the case.  The case is that maybe I am just really not cut out to be dated.   An ex once told me I was better off where he found me, alone in an apartment with a cat.   Maybe he was right.  Better off alone, working, reading books, with a cat and music?   who knows.  Its not that I ask alot in a relationship, hell If anything I don’t ask enough at times.

But then,  I just shut down.  my defense mechanism kicks in and While I may still be there physically, every other part of me is gone.. and I feel horrible.  Its not fair to the other person.  I feel like a cold hearted bitch when it happens.   It’s not intentional.  I have done it to more than one person I’ve dated before.

IDK.. I’m not afraid to be alone, thats so not the case.  Looking back.. I was happy in my apartment with stormy lou.  I’m happy now.  I like my days at home with my music and quit time, I also can manage with someone around.  I adapt to whatever situation either way.  So, I can do either one.  Live with.. live without.. whatev.   I don’t need someone to help me financially by any means.  I got that and will never let a man put that on me again.  I live to love, I love to live. 🙂  I am my own person and me is all I can be and all I can love.

I need to come up with something funny and random to write again.. like when I wrote about the toilets that are automatic flushing having cameras in them.. damn spies… Maybe I will write about my earlier conversation of my friend calling me non American for not liking Ketchup and how he is calling me a terrorist and will call the feds on me.. IDK.. SB.  I will think of something.. Let me re collect my thoughts.. Until them.. Peace out.. BTW.. Baseball is going to be here in just 16 Days until opening day day in Arlington!

 

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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