Its my Semicolon life-
I don’t call myself a victim of suicide or a depression yet a survivor of both. While I do and always will suffer from depression, I learn everyday how to manage and cope with the episodes. Just as I do any negative thoughts that may ever arise. I have an ever lasting light bulb that shines since my last attempt.
Some people may ask, why do those who attempt suicide write about it. I think we write about it so others know, they are not alone. And this is my first time, actually writing in depth to help others. I have become a big advocate over the years to help others and raise suicide awareness.
We write about it so that others out there know, this is only temporary. So you know that you will over come the feeling and later on in life you will be glad you didn’t. It changed my life and my outlook on life. I for one am glad I am still here. If I were not, I wouldn’t be writing this to help others. I wouldn’t be watching my niece grow to the smart beautiful little girl she is, and my brother growing his family. I wouldn’t be watching my mother be the fighter she is in her life. I wouldn’t be raising my puppies. All the way down to just the little things in life like just finishing my 32 week bowling league for the first time. And most of all, I wouldn’t feel the strength I feel today. To have overcome everything I have overcome, to be here and be alive.
How did I get here? It wasn’t a road I wish on anyone, but it happened. No turning back. My final attempt will send chills down many’s spines. Yes, I attempted suicide. I had a pool party, I had it all planned out. I had hospitalized myself a couple weeks prior to get help. Admitted myself and then left AMA when they wouldn’t listen to me regarding the medications that DIDN’T work and gave them to me anyways. I had been hospitalized prior due to an attempt and self-mutilation. So, I left. I knew I needed help and I tried to get it.
I had it planned to drink, A LOT. I had an argument with my boyfriend at the time to the point of him hitting something and me telling him to leave, at which he did. And at that point my plan was even more well planned with him gone. And now, to take my pills. I had just gotten a new prescription of 500mg Trazadone. Down went the whole bottle, approximately 35 pills. I don’t know how long he was gone or how long it took for them to work. I don’t remember much. I remember being in an ambulance with Paramedics on the way to the hospital, vaguely and them telling me to stay with them. I then remember again being in a hospital room with policemen outside of it.
Why did I attempt it? I was being harassed by my narc ex, daily. With no way out and no one could or would help that could, aka, law enforcement. I was in a dark dark place. I was cutting all the time, which I later discovered I wasn’t a cutter. I wasn’t a simple cutter at all, I had no clue what I was doing when I was doing it, it wasn’t a cry for help or a seek of attention. It was a disassociate disorder and my mind disconnecting from situations. I had no idea I was doing it until after. My mind would disassociate from the real world and cut for various reasons whether I thought the need to feel pain, feel human, feel punishment or whatever at the time. I just wanted out of it all. But now, looking back.. IT WAS ALL TEMPORARY!! Now looking back, when my narc comes in and pops up in my life, I am able to look past it, when I feel depressed I am able to get through it with coping skills, and if I feel my mind slipping to disassociate ways I can try my hardest to catch it, although it doesn’t always work.. I now have an understanding of it. I know now I am not alone on any of the above and I know it is all temporary and know there are bigger pictures to live for.
Later, bits and pieces came back to me, and then what I was told. The officers told me I kept telling them not to take me to Springwood, the hospital I had left AMA. I remember seeing my dad, he is deceased. I was sitting with him on a staircase looking down at a hospital bed at myself. He was talking with me. He was trying to understand what was so bad. He was there for me as he always had been when I needed him most. Well, after some extensive therapy, in her words… “He sent you back, it wasn’t your time”
I was escorted by police from the City hospital to inpatient hospital where I stayed until it was time to start intensive outpatient treatment for about 2 weeks. Upon completing that, I got my marbles back. Literally, you got two marbles to say you ‘got your marbles back’ hence the statement you hear “you have lost your marbles” well yeah, needless to say, we feel we lost our marbles to say the least.
The hospital stay and outpatient therapy, were probably the best thing ever. When I was hospitalized as a teenager for a lot of the same stuff, I think I was busy being a ‘teenager’ and just didn’t understand WHY it was happening to me. But as an adult it all made more sense and I began to realize, I wasn’t alone in this world. I wasn’t alone feeling the way I felt in so many ways. I wasn’t selfish for feeling the way I did. I wasn’t wrong, I wasn’t stupid for feeling that way, I was actually ‘normal’ and human. ‘Seeking help’ isn’t a bad thing in any way. It’s actually healthy and it doesn’t make you ‘crazy’. The people who tell you so are the one’s who are crazy. I think even those who tell you that you are selfish in your acts of suicide, self harm, depression, are in a small sense, selfish. They need to take the time to step back and be supportive in the way you feel and support your need for recovery and support you as you heal. I am not saying baby you, but help you in supportive ways. In any way possible Lessen your stress so you feel okay to turn to them.
So, with all of this said, next time you feel like it is the end, stop and ask yourself, is this temporary? Will it still be here in months ahead? In a year? Can I seek help? If you can place yourself somewhere for a couple weeks to remove yourself from the situation and make yourself stronger, by all means, seek the help. Do right by yourself and don’t worry what others will think. Its your story to continue. Not thiers. 🙂
Am I saying you will always have days of sunshine and rainbows? No, But will you know how to handle them a little better, sure. Hell, I still have my days where I want to just stay in bed, or I don’t want to eat, or I want to be left alone.. but I still want to get up the next day.
So, yes, I’m suicidal, but I still want to carry on my life and my story will carry on, because I know how to handle it. I know I can get through this each day! I know I am good enough and I know I love myself and know I am loved.