How did a woman once so scared of life, so full of fear in everything, become so strong. A woman who believed every put down put her way. A woman who would let men talk down to her every day of her life and believe every word said to her. A woman who also allowed Depression to overcome her and allow people to use that against her as well as think because of it no one would accept her. So, with both of those she felt she had to try even harder to be accepted. She wore masks of many shapes. All she did was more damage allowing these circumstances. The people in her life lowered her self esteem even more yet she called it as them ‘loving her’, the depression took over and she began to believe that was her ‘being happy’. And from there she though that was how life was lived for so very long. Until she decided to get help, and then even after that it took her living through the skills learned in order to really see.
She lived through the fear, lived through learning how to stand up tall, stand up strong and to not care anymore what others thought of her for who she was. She learned to start being more of just that who she was instead of who she wasn’t. Trying to keep up with who she wasn’t was getting not only exhausting but she was losing focus. She learned to start to hear her own voice. She learned that depression wasn’t who she was at all but it was a part of her, it was a whole package. Even if she now had a handle on it, it was always going to be there and yes it may surface from time to time and those in her life would have to understand it as part of her and not judge it as a part of her. It was simply a disorder and not something she chose.
It came from learning that those who she wanted in her life, may not have always deserved to be there. if it was about her having to fight to keep them, then no, they didn’t deserve to be there. If she felt she had to fight to keep them, if she felt she had to be something she wasn’t or had to defend her self at all times, then these person did not deserve a spot in her life and she was far more worthy of the time she was putting in.
If she ever felt she couldn’t speak freely. If she felt as if she didn’t have a voice or she had to fear a word ever, then she was in the wrong situation. A human being should always feel free to speak. No matter what. We are all given voices for a reason. But for her, she spent so many years afraid to speak. As a child, as an adult, in relationships, etc. A people pleaser of sorts, a timid child growing up due to a certain childhood in her younger years. But learning to have a voice was the best thing ever. And even better was finding a partner who has let her know she can be comfortable with that voice. Her adopted dad and mom always did, but to have a partner who does so is golden as well.
And to learn that the only fear to fear, is fear itself. If we don’t try something, we will never know the outcome. Change is scary, sure. So is giving up. Giving up is scary as hell. Because in giving up it means restarting. But sometime, just sometimes, we must give up at some point in life. A relationship, a career, whatever it may be. We have to restart and refresh. Dust off and start over. Let things play out differently. They way things were going, they way they were not working, it was a trial run in life and its life’s way of saying that was not the fork in the road to take.