Blizzard of funk

Do you ever feel like you are stuck in a blizzard but you look outside and the sun is shining?  That’s how I feel in my head at the moment.  There is a blizzard going on inside.  Everything is blowing all over the place.  I am waiting on the wind to stop blowing so that the snow can settle and I can shovel it to the side of the road and drive on.  To not feel like I am just stuck here.  The wind is so strong,  I can’t even go out and build a snowman at the moment.  He would be so awesome too, Like the one I made as a child, Button eyes and a carrot nose.   But, I also feel for Snowmen as I do flowers, They never hold their beauty, They die after a few days and are only a temporary sight, a temporary joy.

As I have mentioned in previous blogs over the years, I never look at my self as a victim of depression & anxiety but a survivor on a constant road of recovery.  I look at the success and progress I have made.  I look at all I have conquered and overcome and continue to get past each day I wake up.  I look at the points of the PTSD that struggles and I don’t let defeat me any longer.  But, I also know that I remain to be human and perfectly imperfect.   And that, maybe fortunately or unfortunately is and always will be who I am, depending on what side you are on.

That all being said,  I choose how I deal with it.  Recently, I was told I made someone feel ‘uncomfortable in their own home’ because they didn’t know me.  Because I was quite.  Personally, that is a them problem and not on me.  Do I get it?  Because yes I am always open to others thoughts and feeling I do try to understand their points and I can understand if they are not used to it.  But,  They too need to offer the same consideration as to a person can only be who they are instead of not taking the same into retrospect.   I was told that because I was the way I was that I MUST have some sort of ‘BLACK HOLE’ Somewhere and that bothered them.  And that they felt as if I had some ‘dark secret that made me to be some kind of Grim Reaper’.    Being that this is a person who you want nothing more to be liked and accepted by, you do become a deer in the headlights for one.   Two,  If they already have this judgement of you, would telling them anything so called dark about your past really change that.  And does my past really make me who I am today when I have put myself in so  much to become the stronger person I am today?  What are you to say to make them feel better?  “Oh, hey I have anxiety and depression”  that would surely make they see you better… said No one ever.   And then they say, “I don’t know if you were abused, do drugs, or what”   Ummm… Yeah, “I was abused, Molested and almost killed as a child”  Because first off, I want to rehash those parts of life…   anyone with that trauma loves to tell those stories… and plus, I have gotten my self over that and don’t really care to talk about it.   It rehashes memories.  There’s the PTSD.    And it doesn’t matter if you were to sit and explain that you are just a guarded person around new people until you get to know them, you are protective of yourself.  And through the conversation you know that and you don’t even bother the more it goes on, because everything you have said you are told they are ‘excuses’.

So  now what do you do?

You apologize!  WHOA!  Back up…  Now what have you done?  You have fast forwarded to your younger adult life where you put yourself in a bad position you felt you couldn’t get out of and you spent years, Abused in other ways and where you were always apologizing for WHO YOU WERE.  You just apologized for you being you?  You apologized that because you are a quiet person and they felt you were rude, that YOU were sorry for being rude, rather than wording at you were sorry they felt you were rude.  CHECKMATE!

Next, you have to wonder, are they testing your strength to see if they are seeing if this will run you off?  Why aren’t they looking at bigger pictures?  Like the fact that their son and grand-daughter are very happy and loved with you in their life?  That you have nothing to offer but love and support for these two people who are the most important to them and are here for nothing more than to give that.

So, a day or two pass and while it has totally put your mind in places it doesn’t want to be you don’t want it to be.  You are the understanding person you are with everyone and look at things from everyone’s point of view and in no way are upset with the person who had the conversation.   You even play through your head what their reasoning could have been.. Instead you wonder where you went wrong.  Because now they have you looking back on why you made them feel that way, what you could have done different. and YOU look at the rational and bigger pictures.   You see them as someone who may and hopefully will become a part of your life forever, while you are with a part of their family.   And to you it is important to be excepted, under one is for YOU.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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