I am full of it.. It’s good and bad to an extent… I am finally at a place in life where I am willing to, I guess is what is to say? Comfortable enough to? Know I am okay enough too? Loved to do so? I don’t know the words.. but to drop the Foolish part anyhow and admit that I need someone. Someone to pick me up when I am feeling down, maybe? But that would mean admitting feeling down.. admitting my depressive disorder? Admitting the days I just want to lie in bed, and sometimes do. Admitting weaknesses?
Not just anyone though. This is someone I have let down my walls for, opened up my heart to. Given all my trust to. Someone I am willing to tell and accept the help from. Allowing that someone To be that person.
You may wonder why I word it as ‘that person’? The last person that ‘helped’ me in life’ In ways that impacted me and my future, impacted life, that I let in, that I let be a ‘hero’… was my Dad. Not a hero to save me, but a hero in a much broader spectrum. When I needed him he was always there, and he knew when to be there without a word spoken. Whether it was just to give a kind word, a hug or a laugh. But he also taught me so much in life.
I have been hurt, abused, molested, manipulated by men, before my dad, and at fault of no one but my own afterwards (during my adult life) any man I have allowed in was again, abusive, manipulative, hurtful, deceitful, used me and so much more. I had a good heart, good intentions and tried to be loved no matter what. Tried to make even the worst work. I gave all when nothing gave nothing. I was also the fixer. I felt my dad Fixed is, he fixed our life. He was a hero, I wanted to be someone’s hero, instead it kept breaking me down. Shutting me down, and ruining all trust in human life.
Slowly I didn’t want help. I was learning a life lesson, that in the end, I was all that would be there for me. Now… Slowly and almost daily, I look to my left, the majority of the time and I see my better half. And I hope life stays that way. I trust him with my life and am slowly learning g to accept his help. Slowly learning to let my head and heart communicate that in ways I do need him. Like the times I feel alone lately, knowing I am far from it. Or when it is more or less than that depending on the type of person you are, and I need help financially and am too ashamed to speak it. I never want to be the person that feels dependent, needy or a burden. While I know I am not I don’t want others to ever look in or see me that way. I have been on the receiving end from those sorts and allowed it so I know how it feels. But I also know having this person in my life is not a need but a want, a desire.
And yes, I also worry and think a lot.. haha.
Regardless I am sucking up that Foolish pride and letting a second Hero, a real true Love, and now a love of my life into my life.. and I won’t lie.. it scares me at times to feel this way.. but to think I was done looking when he came along, means something.