Goodbye 18, hello 19..

Well, for the Majority of the year, 2018 was good to me.. up until mid August. And then, we’ll, it was still a lot of blessings. I had a lot to look forward to. I went to Vegas and Finland, I still had a great man in my life, lots of love and laughter. Friends and family and support through hard times and health issues. And above all I survived.

So, who can complain really? Sure, being laid off sucked ass after 7 years at the same job. But, what can you do? It’s something way out of your control. So is not being able to find a job when you are applying for 15-20 a week. It’s life really. I have my good days and bad days. I’m human after all.

Today I sit here and think of how happy I really am. I think of my yesterdays and my tomorrows and how I wouldn’t trade either of them. For yesterday is over and tomorrow is a new day yet to come. I think of everything I see for my future and that I hope the same is seen by the other half. I also have a fear that it may not be. But that too is okay. Fear is okay. I have faced it, I have looked it in the eyes before.

My mind races as I think of 2019, he’ll even 2020. I am a planner. I like to think ahead. I know life doesn’t work that way. But it would be nice if we had some idea of how thing were going to go. So we could prepare our hearts, our minds and so on. I mean, I know what my heart and mind see and want.

I don’t want anymore rejection in life, but unfortunately it is a part of life. There are some things in life I had said to myself I would never want again or ever. And I am finding I see those things again. Those happy things that fulfill a persons life and future. And well, I am not getting any younger. Nor are they things you can buy or have with just anyone. And they are not topics easy to speak about. They are actually very hard topics to speak of. And they have been on my mind a lot lately. And they hurt. Life hurts.

So as I exit 2018 and enter 2019 I am looking at how to work on letting it out. How to work on getting it out and getting to the bottom of a answer from both sides to know where it will stand in the end. To know if there is a hope for anything or if it a stalemate. I have finally found something that means the world to me, that is a piece of me I didn’t even know I was missing. A love I love almost more than the love of myself. And something I want for the rest of my life. But I need to know it’s mutual before I invest 10 years into it, I am tired of restarts and frankly getting too old for the shit. Nor, do I want to, I found the one I want. I am not getting any younger, at the same time I know it is still a great thing. So I don’t want to push. But it is also something g that feels right. I see family, I see growing old and grandkids, I see being senile and being new all over again.. hahaha.

And my mind just wandered on a different tangent about love, that had nothing to do with 2019, wtf.. that may have been meant for 2021 or something.. lol. Anyhow, I am glad 2018 came and went the way it did. It had its good and its bad and it was a year that once again taught me strength in the heard times. It showed me love and who is true in my life and it also showed me how to love and how to continue to love myself.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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