Rainbows, puppies and fields of daisies.. Life isn’t always all those things.. sometimes it’s hail storms, shit piles and thorn bushes. But you take each as they come, right? What else can you do?
It’s just like the ups and downs of life, where you have everything in life that’s great, yet you have that one thing that shows up unwelcome, unannounced.. depression and anxiety. For no reason. The chemical imbalance that hits. Whether it be a true chemical of medication, or a serotonin imbalance, whatever the cause may be, you hide it, you fight it, you mask it, you do all you need to to look past it. But it’s hard.
I lose interest in things that distract my mind that are ‘fun’ and Sometimes pointless, games on my phone, browsing Facebook or Pinterest, etc. I burst into doing things like work.. working 9 days straight.. I didn’t have to go in Friday yet did,.. and will now work 84 hours straight before a day off and if allowed may continue going if I can get overtime just to get out of my financial rut I got in from being unemployed just to not have to take help from loved ones and have to sink on my independence and pride too.. because stubborn is as stubborn does.. I don’t allow myself to slow down. Because in slowing down it catches up to me. In slowing down I may have to face it.
Lately I have been doing all I can and it seems to always peek out when no one is watching. It wins by causing me they headaches from anxiety taking over and showing it will win somehow. It will win by kicking my self esteem to the ground. Here lately I don’t feel like the best looking person. I feel completely disgusted with my looks and my body, I feel tired and old. I feel like my boyfriend isn’t attracted to me, and honestly, I can’t blame him. So I push myself twice as hard to do the things that I know are good qualities to have around and that he would want me around for. Cooking, cleaning, and providing love for him and more importantly his daughter, whom I love just as much as I do him. I can even do all that with a paper bag over my head.
Looks aren’t the world but I do want my partner to be proud of what he has by his side. Not embarrassed. I want him to want to be in public with me at least. I want him to want to look at me in the bedroom and to want to touch me occasionally. And if I can’t feel good about myself I can’t expect him to. And I know it’s just my mental state. A lot of it is stress at the moment. And with that it has me sick a lot with different things going on. The image stuff has me not wanting to eat which doesn’t help.
It’s all a vicious cycle and in the end I am my own enemy. It’s not my first rodeo or even blog to talk about this evil word of depression. But at least writing about it over the past 6-7 years I write knowing it’s not my fault, it doesn’t make me a horrible person. It is an illness. And I don’t stand alone. I also know it will pass and I am not stuck. I can recognize-it. Those are all the plus sides.