Life will test you and push you. You build yourself up, you beat yourself down. Most of the time your worst enemy is yourself. You try to be you best at everything while risking being the best at nothing.
Life will push you to see how much you can handle. It will test you to see how far you will push yourself, or to see how those around you push you to encourage and love you, as well as place those in your life who will do the opposite.
Lately, I guess you can say I have been my own worst enemy. While I am trying to do my best at everything, be the best for those that matter in my life, I don’t stop long enough to breathe sometimes. And in the end.. I still don’t feel I am doing enough.
I have been pushing myself hard since getting back to work and while OT is available to make up for time lost when I wasn’t working. The pros: sure I am stabilizing on the bank end of it. I’m sure it looks great to the employer, as I work to have my contract become permanent. Cons: I am exhausted burning the candle at both ends, I feel like I am not getting all done that I need and want to (which working weekends puts a cramp in that too), I forget to breathe, and I feel like I am working myself into loneliness.
I miss seeing the love of my life, falling asleep together and waking up together, having coffee together and enjoying each other’s company. I miss seeing my Niece. I miss my dog, even though she’s a nut. I miss the weekends with my boyfriends daughter.
At the same time I try to tell myself this is temporary and things will get back to normal. I just hope they all don’t get too used to me being away, not just physically but mentally. I don’t want to live to work, or get back to being a workaholic. When I was a workaholic I didn’t have the important people in my life as I do now. They matter more than anything, but again.. this is just temporary.. right?