As I drove home from work Eyes filled up with tears as I choked them back. Not really knowing the emotion that was causing them to be honest. It’s a feeling I can’t place. Not being able to even remember the way I felt this way. I wanted to just stop the car and have a good cry. Realizing that the meme I sent earlier that said ‘I need a hug. No I need your hug’ with an I love you was more than just a meme being sent. And I think even the no response hit. It showed me where I was even more so after when I realized it wasn’t that they were in a meeting or something as to see they came home early. But also, I know I am a feelings person especially when my feelings are deep and true. I send that stuff all the time so it was probably ‘just another text’ to them.
I am such a simple creature that I feel maybe it makes me difficult. Feeling like those I love are pulling away or just always living their lives as if I am not around and more and more acting distant and as if I am just here, always feeling like I have to work for reasons to be needed there instead of just being wanted. Most like at the job, because we all know in the workplace we are replaceable. And as much as I try to go with the flow so it doesn’t hurt, it does. (And I don’t speak of my household alone) I can tell my family I love them or just reach out to try to meet up and see them and it tends to be one sided.
Maybe it’s just stress that’s weighing and causing most of this and making me more sensitive. The lack of sleep. This mornings not feeling well.. a combination. The treatment as of late, and really trying to tell myself most of it is from a child all while still knowing she is old enough to know better. I don’t know. I don’t know how to even make the words sound right at the moment because as I said I am just that.. a simple creature and even now I feel asking to much to even just need something as simple as a hug.
Maybe it’s also because it nears my birthday, another time I always miss day, not to mention I have been thinking of him a little more than normal as two friends just lost theirs and I know what they are going through.
I don’t like these feelings.. I prefer too just have the happiness and love that fills me 97% of the time
It’s all just life.