I try to do all I can for those I love and always want them to have the best, easiest life possible, even if at my expense. So, when I can’t do the things I need/want to do it drags me down.
Simple things from going grocery shopping to cook dinner, or taking the kiddo to get what she needs so her dad can just come home and relax. I try so hard to pick up all that I can. Do all that I can, and down to when something needs done I push myself to do it.
While I know I do ‘enough’ it’s when I can’t that it cancels it out.
A prime example, this weekend after a massage I found myself shampooing carpets, one because the other halves parents will be in for a few days and two it needed some. And while somethings were out of my budget I went above and beyond for Father’s Day to ensure him and his daughter had a day out to enjoy each other for a bit. And still I wished I could do more. It didn’t feel like enough from the outside looking in.
All day today, I have been in a sour mood at myself. Because no one can be as hard on me as me. Knowing I could’ve make the stops I typically do and have made my part of the routine. Grocery store, cook dinner, and even more so on the first weeknight of us all having a week together where it can be a ‘family’ environment for the Kiddo. So I have failed, myself but mostly them, whether they were to admit it or not.
I try my hardest to have the ‘good wife, good step mom’ characteristics even if I am not, because that is what they deserve in their lives through my eyes. For me to be all I can.
Even more so with pain comes depression, for a little over a week now I have been in aim. I am not a complainer and will tough it out until it enables me. But, even as of late I’ve just been kinda miserable. I went for a massage on Saturday to try and ease the pain, and I am sure some of my stubbornness didn’t make it much better between shampooing carpets and swinging a golf club yesterday. But the more I allow pain to enable me the more depressing it becomes. So I am not letting that happen. And well swinging some clubs was important on a couple levels, to celebrate my better half being an amazing father to his daughter and for me to internally remember my dads favorite thing to do.
While I kept that inside because well in real-time it was really about dad/daughter time and them making moments. The rest of the day, I kept to myself, holding back random tears, keeping at a distance so no one saw any pain. And this time I don’t speak physical.
It’s hard when you wish you could do and give so much more, not only because that’s the love in you, and what they deserve, but it’s also what makes you, you…
So now for the real sad story.. I’ve got a shot of whiskey and one broken cigarette.. now that’s sad news.. (glad you made it that far and enjoyed a laugh, or maybe I brought tears to your eyes..) haha