They say it’s okay..

They say it’s okay to ‘not be okay all the time’. More so than not, in your life, You have always felt You had to be okay. If anything, for yourself. Because, You know what it’s like to be weak, You know what it’s like to break down, and You don’t like being that person. But You also know what it’s like to keep it all hidden, to try and force a smile, to put on that mask.

So, lately You do what You are a creature of habit of doing. You tell you are okay. Because In the grand scheme of things, You are. You are alive, You are breathing, You have a job, you have people who you believe love you and want you around, . But, there’s something going on. And you bury it, you mask the emotions and the feeling and you tell yourself that you are only in your head and it is just a ‘you’ problem and so you brush it under the rug. And you continue to do this on everything. Whether it be health, an emotion, or thoughts in your head. You believe it is still a step up from how you used to handle things where you would seclude, hide and shut the world out. At least now you can carry on like nothing is really wrong because well you are and will always be okay. You got this! You are a shining star and you are strong.

What do you do when you want to talk but you have already done so and it fails repeatedly? What do you do when you have then convinced yourself it’s a you problem and you just have to get over it? What do you do when you feel like maybe you are too much? When you feel like a problem? And it all hurts, your heart hurts, anxiety builds, and slowly you are becoming how you feel.. a shell, invisible, alone. You start to question your mind, your soul, those who ‘love’ you.. all while trying to not stress not just yourself but most importantly THEM. And your biggest fear of all is losing.. losing them & losing you.

Your relationship feels like it has hit a stagnancy and you blame yourself, you blame the way you feel. While you also know they are dealing with their own issues with Real life, you also want to be considerate of that and not add to their everyday stress so you keep yours to yourself and you wonder if that is why you are left feeling like you are a more and more treated like a roommate than a partner. You know they obviously love you more than that though for you feel it in your heart and in the words when they tell you. You try to be romantically physical with cuddling and such, but also give space when you get very little response in return. You try to do all you can to show love and affection, to be flirty and fun. But it drains a person to be a one sided effort. At the same time, You question… You feel like you maybe you aren’t doing enough for them to support them emotionally and mentally, or you are asking to much. While it’t not that you don’t think you are a good person, you think highly of yourself, and know what you offer, you don’t feel they are any longer attracted to you, and like you just aren’t what they want or need. You don’t feel like they have a emotional or physical attraction to you. You have brought it up, you have asked questions, and you fear if you continue you are just looking insecure or like you are nagging. But, in reality, your real problem is you love hard, you have a big heart and you just want the best for all, while at the same time not wasting anyone’s time.

And with all of the above, You blame no one but yourself for it. And you continue to beat on yourself for ways to ‘fix it’. that’s the problem with healers and fixers. You try to make the world, your world and everyone you love so deeply’s world as great and pain free as possible. You want everyone happy, loved and most of all you will put everyone before yourself. Most of all you will always be okay before letting anyone know you are not and having them worry, hurt or anything else.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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