Living with depression is hard, being ‘okay’ all the time is hard. Being sad when all is well is a struggle because you dont’ know what is wrong other than there is a chemical imbalance.
Throughout my life it has been a constant rejection, a constant beat down due to this, from those close to me, from those I though were close to me. I have been rejected when starting relationships once it showed, I have been told to ‘woman up and ‘get over it’ in other relationships. So when it rears its evil head I have to be strong and independent.. or so I had taught myself. To protect myself, to protect others. So no one had to see this side of ‘me’.
So, when I wasn’t feeling all up to par and asked what was wrong “I was always ‘okay’ or ‘fine’ or nothing was wrong. Because I had to be that strong independent person. I also spent so long when I did reach out that I was always eat down, or letting someone down was more like it. Because I was sad, depressed, or couldn’t perfectly explain what was wrong. Therefore, I had to protect. I couldn’t say “I’m just having a rough day” or “I need you to love me a little more today” Because, for one that is not who I am and for two, Some days I just couldn’t explain why.
It took me so many years to realise that this isn’t me, or ‘my fault’ it wasn’t something I could ‘control’ and that I wasn’t ‘crazy’. I had to learn it was an illness I was born with, a chemical imbalance. And as of recent I am learning its okay again in a relationship to let it be as well. It was hard enough to learn to cope and ‘let it be’ when alone. But to again let it be with someone else is even harder to ‘share’. I have learned to notice it as well as glad I have found someone who will not give up on me and is being as supportive as he knows to be.
I know it is not easy, I know its a hard disease to understand and I don’t blame anyone who doesn’t or wouldn’t want it around. I have always promised those who can see past this silent illness will see the best person they will ever know within me, the me that is more than this. My caring, loving, funny self.
So, now the most dreaded part is to come, I go back to a Psychiatrist to get these medications back on track or try to, and thats the hardest and scariest part, a part I want to do alone, but know I dont’ have to, I don’t need to, and I won’t because there will be ups and downs, it won’t be easy on myself, and I don’t want others to have to feel guarded, I dont’ want them to put walls up, I dont’ want anyone to go backwards and I don’t want to bring anyone down. I don’t want to lose anyone. And the fear all scares me more than anything. And I am just scared.