To not understand your own emotions is to feel defeated by your own illness. I don’t understand why life is so good, and it’s not just trying to tell myself that as I have in the past, it really is. It’s being truly happy with life, again, truly happy. Not much I would change. Well, maybe the winning lotto numbers or the perfect job, but realistically. I am happy and whole.
So to feel so melancholic the past two days, having it attack every part of me. To feel my self esteem so low, and even feel lonely in a house of 2.25. To feel I need to hide because I want to say I am okay because it is easier than saying, I just don’t know what’s really wrong. I am always wanting to sleep, may be part of my hiding. I don’t want to eat, which is partly the melancholic depressive feeling and part low self esteem.
I try not to change who I am. Still being the over loving, and almost annoyingly so I am sure, to my fiancé. Tending to our house and home. Trying to be the best I can be for the kiddo, the dog and him. And maybe it’s because I can’t be 325% for all of us then I feel like I let everyone down.
I can say this the dog has been as loving as ever. She gets it from me I think. When I get like this and even before, I think she senses my chemical imbalances, she clings to me tight. She loves me no matter what and she is also very protective, more so than normal.
I know this too shall pass, I know I am not alone in the world with this disorder and illness, but I do wish I could somehow get a control on it. To not feel so alone when I feel this way. I am trying, I am doing all I can I got back on meds which I hate, meds in general. I want to be ‘normal’ but is there ever a normal with treatment resistant major depressive disorder? This is my life this is what I was given and all I can continue to do is try because I also know it can’t be the death of me, it already tried and failed, and for that I am thankful.