I know I am not alone when I say the world, the day to day life, and the stress levels have soared since March of 2020. Financial situations are soaring with the cost of living being from home, grocery bills are on the rise, And.. well.. the cabin fever is setting in for all.
In the last few months it hasn’t just been my stress level that has been affected but also my self esteem. I have come to terms a little better in the way of self acceptance, but Its still hard. With the rise of the stress levels all around, things seem distant, many times lonely. While I know my fiance is also stressed to the max, it has put a crutch on the ‘intimate’and romantic parts of the relationship. The affection is less and less. And no matter how I try to keep that going, I am sure he just hates the words of affection which I try to do often. But all I can feel is that its because of me. Lord knows I’m not getting any prettier, and when stress starts causing cystic acne you feel even uglier. We can’t have a date night because well, Covid.. right? I know I am not the only person in a committed relationship who probably feels this either. But when it starts affecting your sleep because of crazy, and yes they are crazy nightmares regarding your relationship ending, it sucks.
To add to this, I have been dealing with the many doctors appointments and costs that are accumulating with trying to make myself better at least in a physical aspect. Its getting tiring, its depressing, and some days I just want to throw my hands up because I am not getting better as quick as I would like. Some days are worse than others, some days I get a glimpse of hope that I am feeling even the slightest better, and then it reverses. I am trying not to quit but the mental, physical, financial and emotional stress of it all just to get where I need to be is taxing, it needs to hurry up. But instead I play the hurry up and wait game. I used to be someone with a high pain tolerance, and I suppose I still am in a sense because I still try not to slow down, but I guess I let it get so bad that the pain is to bad to tolerate.I don’t do immobility well. And I am sure my mood no matter how positive I try t I be, or funny, no one wants around.
I am trying to keep everything at home while we are all cooped up as calm as possible. To Keep everything flowing. Example: The kiddos birthday yesterday, while it sucked we could not take her out to dinner I did make sure that she had a cake, Ice Cream, and her gifts wrapped to make it the best with the situation at hand, And to have it all set before she was here for her 2 hour visit. When she has been in for the past month (and upcoming another month) I try to be the best I can be for both of them during these hard times. I have even started reading on how to better myself for her.
At the end of the day all I want is to be the best I can be. The best future wife model, the best step mother model, the best dog mom, The best sister, Aunt, Employee and Human being. I do feel since the back issue has progressed I have lost pieces of me because I have so much I can’t do an BE.